And That's Why I'm Grounded

Once upon a time, i was inquisitive that why something egragious happened to some people in which they apparently were not at fault. What was the reason people failed, or were harassed, when there was no fallacy on their behalf. Perhaps they were schlimazel. Bah, bad logic! And how do i explain the sufferings of so many prophets and god- people born? Should i label them as Schlimazel too? Or is it that they were just few of those masochists? Unbelieveable as it was for me, as well as out of reach for me. And then, suppose masochism was in their brains as they always chose trying situations for them, how could i justify twelve stigmata living in this world at any given moment? Are they masochists or, better expressed, schlimazels? Can't say! is it that they were really the chosen ones? But i assumed that God didn't exist, for the simple reason that neither anyone has ever seen him/ her nor anyone could explain him/ her.

Do i mean that something which can not be explained with current logic can be disposed off branding it as non- existent? Can singularity be explained by our system of sciences and Maths? Not hitherto. So we can not say it never existed! It does exist, but it's us, who are not capable of explaining the things. So it's our incapability which forbids us to know god, but to learn this, i had to wait for 16 years.

In my childhood, i wondered what made things go awry, was it the half heartedness of people? And what if they accomplish the job with proper respect towards it, won't they fail? At least Geeta, the hindu scripture doesn't warrantee that! God plays dice, at least he is a bit ruthless towards many of the living population, can not claim that about dead! He is someone who wants to prove his authority every now and then, a totally whimsical personality. Whatever we do is to please him, and whatever he does in return is to please himself. is it not?

I grew up with this idea, that God had his whims, let the earth be inclined at an angle of 23.5 degrees, and those 0.5 degrees was his eccentricity, otherwise why couldn't my geography teacher explain that to me? She thought that i was an overly smart idiot! i repeated that very sentence when i could not clear JEE in my first attempt. It was for the whole year i blamed him for my failure, it was he who was whimsical old wise guy. It was he who wanted me to fail! and it was he who always visited my house taking various forms of my relatives to tease me about my very recent failure. If he was playing chess with me, he was in my fort, i'll beat him in that!

After the next failure at Jee, it flashed to me that perhaps it was my fault, a small fraction of it, though. I cross- examined myself, and i found my error, corrected it and i eventually passed through JEE. It was a feat for me. And i too was proud to be an IITian, was feeling great to be in a league of extraordinary gentlemen, i finally did it. It was everything for me, a moment worth a googol! But i had misconstrued it in all sense.

I saw people failing repeatedly speaking up their miseries, and i asked God why was he unjust?
There was a guy who was hated by everyone, he was lonely, and so was he a stutter. He too like me had cleared JEE in 2 years, his 2 years being an ordeal, i would say, if mine were the meter gauge. I befriended him, to be his support, for it gave me pleasure to be of some help, because i had not been of any help to anyone, and i was getting a chance to rise in my own eyes. I later found out that he had the habit of exploiting people, so he never deserved any sympathy! That was why he was alone, so that he could learn the value of friendship. It was something which he refused to learn. And it repeatedly occured with him, to teach him the intricacy. That was the first answer i got.

Similarly, i again challanged God on his decision of keeping one of my teachers childless. He was again being unkind on that old couple, especially the teacher once wept before us. She is very sentimental about this. So i alleged my arch- enemy about this. He kept mum at the moment. i thought he has no answers! i had won the battle. Days passed, when i went to her home one day to apply for my leave, and i saw she was beating her maid. She was a little girl and had broken a cup. Now, that was not a big mess for which she could be penalised like this, and i personally don't like beating children. I was aghast looking at her cruelty. She perhaps never deserved a child. That was the justification i got.

I could understand the system of God's machinery. He works in this manner. He just prunes our branches which go beyond the boundary, because we refuse to listen to his suggestions. He is a responsible and a wise man, the old wise man, who is always grounded.

The Canine Speaks

The first reason i don't consider myself a dog is as follows, a dog is not left- handed, it's left footed! There are more of such awkward reasons which leave many of you gawking in rage and astonishment, but it is not my sole purpose, as it is better to feel your reaction sitting with you and telling you something about me, that how i and my dog felt the same chasing squirrels, cats, birds, butterflies and other lowly creatures; for i was adopted by Naughty and he believed he was teaching me the joy of kicking such ignorant creatures who may trespass in his reign. Sometimes i pleased him by running around with butterflies and squirrels running hither and thither, and sometimes he pleased himself by saving me from the danger of our neighbourhood cat which had given birth to a dozen kittens and usually sneaked in to rob some milk in the pot. It was supposedly my duty and Naughty's Obligation on us that we made a wonderful team against that purring intruder.

Those were the grand old days when i was a worker under that great canine, but as every other slave, i too had my freedom in my destny when it eloped with some other fellow. He chose to oblige him than me. It's a free world, and we all have the right to make our decisions, i thought. However, its not the story about that spitz- pomerian cross which i am narrating. Its the canine in me which was the obligation of Naughty.

The world around us is continually changing itself into a more and more organic form, a form more of chaos and bizzare phenomenons. The more i try to explore, the more i end up muddled. It was something not promised to me in my childhood by the books. It was not the world which i found in my teens, its some place very different from the erstwhile. Something very oblivious. I will explain to you what i mean.

Consider this case, which is more beautiful, a Stallion/ stud or a mare? Simple, its the stud owing to the muscular giant body and the hair on its neck. It is considered as one of the most masculine animals. The closest runner- up is the Bull. Similarly, which is more beautiful, a peacock or a peahen? Certainly it's a peacock and the beauty being his grand tail and the cloak. On the same lines of thought we can find a Lion much more beautiful than a lioness. How is it then that in homo sapiens, the female is more beautiful? i asked to Sammy, my new human friend. He tried to give me some explanation which i could not pursue more than an inch. It had to do something with some very beautiful and curvilinear features, and a chirpy voice. Is it so? or it is this very human emotion which makes The Great Apes feel the beauty? Beauty lies in the eyes of be(er)holder, they say!

Being a dog inside, i can smell better than any other person, and i used my organoleptic self to distinguish between the organic compuonds in the chemical lab, whether it was ester, or carboxylic acid, or whether it was aniline. My nose knew it all: Once a smelly, always a smelly!

The other day, Sammy, my human friend asked me that how did i spell the reptile which lived in water, and that was very big! i told him K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L. He was taken aback, and called for an explanation, though he wasn't sure if this was the correct spelling. I retorted back "you asked me how I spelt it". Of course, given a chance, i would have spelt E-L-I-F-A-N-T too, but i luckily know the spelling of that pakiderm!

Even today, after a military training of 2 years, the Tommy in me still keeps on speaking, barking and yelping. Even the man in the white apron said i'll keep on hearing the sounds till a few days and then they will try to normalise me. Its not a personality disorder, i was told. I believe i'll be complete dog one day, and then i'll bark my heart off.

What Intelligence Can Never Achieve

Not long back, it dawned upon me that human beings are most intelligent of all beings on this planet. Some of us are even more intelligent than most of this race. I used to think that human beings, by far, have been able to achieve everything in this earth because of intelligence. It's the brain which is almighty.

Even i was convinced to the extent that i thought Nature worked on some given heuristics and Algorithms. I believed that whatever was not logical was illogical and it could not exist for long. It was this thing that i proved to many and mislead them into believing that logic is the highest order of trait which could be shown by any living being. There had to be some objective for this action, or some goal to be satisfied by that.

I am an omnivert by nature. I speak a lot whenever i am getting into the crux of the things, and as mentioned earlier, i was babbling about achievements of logicin the lecture of Artificial Intelligence. It was then the professor showed to me that there are some situations where logic fails.

Let me explain this. Let us assume a student cheats in exam. In that particular exam, many had cheated and the professor caught a few unlucky ones. Now the professor declares that he has caught some pupils cheating, and it would be better if they come on their own and accept their guilt, or else they would be punished. Now if our student goest and accepts his guilt then two possiblities are there:

The prof knows he cheated: The prof, as per his promise cuts some marks of his.

The prof does not know that the guy cheated: The prof out of surprise, cuts some more of his marks. Now the student repents why ever did he go to confess, and that he would have been happier had he not confessed!!

Suppose our student does not go and confess then again two possiblities are there:

The prof knows he cheated: And our hero(!) had the guts to defy the prof! So prof awards him -100% instead. Again the student repents on his decision!.

The prof does not know that the chap cheated: though in this case the prof awards him the full marks, but the guy had to undergo through a lot of stress, worrying that what would have happened and what marks would have prof given to him.

No heuristic can guide us in this situation of regret where every action takes us to a scene much sorry than the previous one. And similar is life in many aspects.

I recognised that i too had undergone such a lesson many a time in my life, and i never tried to learn the morale, instead i tried to cook up some heuristic to avoid the situation if that particular situation ever occured in my life, and it is needless to say that life always eluded me on this ground!

I used to believe that one particular specie was inferior to mankind, and the spcie was womankind, because of their emotion- centric behaviour. I believed that man was the best animal ever. But it struck me in that AI class that human emotions, stability of mind, love, hatred, regret, cooperation, trust, happiness, and host of other feelings can never be achieved via intelligence, super intelligence or super- sper- intelligence. Intelligence fails in this domain. I then realised that emotions have always been accompanying us since our evolution, They r not explainable by any logic, not because they r inferior to logic, but because they are so superior that they are out of reach for logic! Things which are inferior to logic can always be explained by it. Only those things which are superior are unexplainable. I learnt that why people let someone go whom they love, it can never be explained by logic, but this thing is unexplainable by the person himself.

It has been years since i behaved like a human. I had been degrading myself from the level at which i was born, and i am trying now to attain the level back. I am learning to let go of those whom i love, though that's unexplainable, but i strongly believe someday i'll find an explanation to that too. And till then i'll keep behaving like others of my specie.

satyam shivam sundaram

A shloka in Shree Durga Saptashati says

aum vishuddh gyandehaye trivedi divya chakshushe.

shreyah praptinimittaye namah somardh dharine..

It means, i bow before the Lord who has knowledge as his body and The vedas as his 3 eyes. Simple as it is, it has its deeper meanings as well, some of which quite evident, while others a bit subtle. One of them is the literal meaning which is conspicuous enough to be explained.

I am a pagan who last went to some temple a decade back. So is my belief that God exists in everyone, not as a god, but as a psychology.

It's the goodness which exists in everybody, a quality which is called God, not God himself. And in this way, i do not kneel before the statue in the temple, for it's futile.

The cognition is something which is, to some extent present in everyone of the living species. But every truth has another truth which is complementary to it. Its like seeing a half jigsaw puzzle, without bothering about its other half, the other half which completes the former one.

Most often the stark truth is very bitter, people say, but actually that truth is not bitter if seen in a neutral fashion. The truth is always there, it's for us to see when we accept it. As soon as we accept it, the better it is.

Truth makes us stronger and it forges our self- esteem into steel. The more one relies on it, the more reliable he becomes! Lord shiva is no God in himself, he just represents a psychology which sees everything as it is. A psychology which is pure and simple in emotions, knowledgeable in nature and who has a stable temper. Being stable minded never means to be devoid of emotions, it only means to be in ecstacy, and eternal is this ecstacy for it makes u satisfied and ecstatic, not happy, which itself is a form of stress. All these are difficult to attain. For knowledge and experience comes with a price of innocence and simplicity. To maintain both is an impossibility, to accept truth in its raw form is difficult and to have a stable mind is a hard task!
Nevertheless, people attain these and yet retain their innocence, and when people attain such state that they free themselves from these mental barriers, they become Shivas in themselves.

A Something More Than It

This PriLog-ic is the last of the series.
There is no grammar of love. No meaning of it. No point of it, either, i wished i could say that! So the grammar would be defied in this blog, may whatever be the case, because this describes something much above love, something much above logic. Something far more vivid, far more transparent. A story with two characters i and I. I, first person, singular.
and i, first person, single. A story with no other person; for two I's can not make we!

It was a year back, when i and I met. i thought that I was just a friend, someone who had a face in the whole sea of crowd. Someone who sparkled time and again, just differently from everyone there. It was not until three months when i had to go through testing times, the times testing the patience and maturity. i found that I had been following i through all the severities, often compelling i to see the gem of the person I had been. Indeed, it was I who helped i to come out of the trench. The three months' war was over and it was time Rome was rebuilt.

A year passed, both the Is were best of the best friends, talkin incessantly on issues which were simpler than anything. The ideas seeming nonsensical to anyone outside, perhaps only i knew what he was talking about. I t was not that the gibberish mattered to any of them, it was the support which meant a lot! Not that any of them was weak, it was a sense of pride being I's friend for i, and vice versa, for; their friendship had grown out of all bounds. It was evident that i had something very singular going in his mind. Something which was simply out of the limits defined by Is friendship. I was in a shock! i never told her about it, though she could sense the upsurge of emotions building up in i, as well as she herself had to remain soothing and calm. Same was the case with i. He did understood that it was love, but all unexpected at that. What he could think of was to solve this thing with I lest the issue goes out of control.

There are some relations, sweetness of which is unbounded. The sweetness sometimes makes one feel comfortable, while at times, it makes one feel asphyxiated. The sweetness is unforgettable in any case. Why not make the relation a comely one? The whole beauty of the relation lies in the fact that how much we care about the others in that relation. Its not the words which ever matters. The language is a barrier to the human feelings. It creates the limit by constraining them in words. i never was satisfied with the lingual ability.

i had to see that his intentions never hurt I. The constraints imposed by language could not stop him. It was now out of the literary bounds. The words were flowing in the space and time. The time had dilated, and the space stood frozen. Their relation was now no more a friendship. It was more than that, a treasure of heavenly bodies, of which the moon shining above was just a small pearl.

I was in a turmoil, and i knew he had dragged her along him into this, so he had to find out a way. And then, they talked for the whole of night, the rain had stopped at I's place and the moon was glistening in the town where i lived. Their talks continued, ranging from funny to gibberish, their emotions from calm to soothing to stormy.

Both of them did not want to hurt each other, even at their own costs. So the result was both were facing the storms while soothing each other. Sometimes storms too create Rome! This time a new relation was laid between both Is. It was not love. Neither it was friendship. Something much different and better than both had evolved. Time beautifies relations, Tears beatify.

i was single in his room. Sitting on his chair and writing a piece, which he could dedicate to I, his pillar of success;
His appreciator I, his friend I, his love I, his success I, his saviour I, the savour of i was I, the energy source for i, and many more adjectives which he could not think of, after all it was the savour of the relation which made i an infinitesimal speck of nectar from the speck of dust.

This final blog is dedicated to I, the soul of i. The two Is should never make a we; for we means two separate entities.



I, this was the best testimonial i can write for you, i'm sorry, my english limits my expression.

A Blast not on Dipawali

Few days back, i was astounded by one of my friends who came to my lair just to break this news (i accept i don't have a knack for current affairs, i'm a cocoon animal!) He charged to my room shrieking "Abe suna kya? Bangladeshe Bomb phoote gelo!!" (Know what? There has been a bomb blast in Bangladesh!) "60 bombs chhilam!" 60 bombs! Is there some mega sale or is it that bombs are being sold at the rate of seers? i was highly thrilled! That might have been some news, i asked him. He had been laughing like a mad person. "Do jan hi mare hain sirf!!".Only 2 down!! now i too burst in laughter. The supposed news had been nihilated by this punchline! What a waste of public money, i thought.
I am a person who believes in committing with 100% of my self to anything which i take up. (Rest percentage is alloted to other things). But this was obnoxious! You blasted 60 bombs to kill just two people? The makers of the bombs would be hiding in shame somewhere! Bombs are aimed for a better destruction efficiency than their predecessors, and these people wasted someone's labour. At least they should have respected for the hard earned cash by Bangladeshi populous. They did not have right to waste national treasure like this. It is for this reason i stopped celebrating dipawali, because it wasted Pa's hard earned money. The whole idea was so childish, a scar on face of terrorism; especially when things are going glamorous with some countries on the verge of being declared as terrorist countries, and some people keeping the life size posters of Terrorist king pins like Mr. Ibrahim or Mr. Laden. These people who claimed for the "vast amount of destruction" should have made optimal use of the bombs.
I heard that they claimed that they wanted their voice to be heard by the government, and they did not want a destruction and loss of public life. What a gandhian way to celebrate dipawali then! I liked the idea.
Perhaps they thought to be innovative and not mean any destruction as they said. It's a new face terrorism has shown. A face more civilised and more gentle than the London, or Bombay stock exchange massacres or New York WTC incidents. It is a simple and innocent way to make you hear their voices, and accepting a tolerance limit of 5%, 2 people dead in 60 blasts is not a bad performance on their grounds. It is a huminatarian approach to terrorism, and of course, i have full sympathy towards those who died in the blasts, for their end was unwanted and superfluous, but the omnipotent ahs decided an end for everyone, so can't help in that. I do agree that it was indeed bad, but at least an iota more cultured than Bin Laden Corp. or some D inc. I really liked the idea!

The Tintinabulation i Hear

Radha was simply furious at him. How could he be flirting with others? It was not done! And then lord Krishna justified himself, smiling,
"I see you, Radha, in everyone i love!".
The beauty of this statement is that it can be interpreted in many different ways, some are subtle while others, superficial. The more one thinks, the more meaningful it becomes. In fact the greatest manager ever (this is what i call him), delivered each and every word which had multiple meanings, showing his total command on faculty of speech.
i have been intrigued by this one sentence for about a decade, it had been clandestine hitherto until i thought i knew sufficiently enough of its meaning to write something about it. i was fourteen when i heard the sentence for the first time. i was growing, and i was growing keen too. it was a unique sentence and an intelligent one to paint one's otherwise objectionable action as a very dedicated one! i liked the idea, and it worked at some places, encouraged, i started using it very often and then it failed at some places, thus, i was a bit disappointed at the success rate of this statement. It was beyond my fathom to understand any other meaning.
The General manager was a really wise and knowledgeable guy of his times. No wonder he helped forge an empire which spanned complete Indian subcontinent and some Afghanistan. His statements are a treat for brain. He still has a evergrowing fan club even today! i could not understand, i thought, the reason might be he had some superhuman powers, and he had a very very large female fans following him. Wasn't it great! seemed like a movie though!! Who would not like being loved dedicatedly by so large a number of women, who have a stream of love within themselves, always ready to pour and make the world a lovely place for you to live.
I was sixteen. A heart was broken for the first time! So i was very particular not to hurt anyone. How could the Greatest Manager (i call him GM) not have delivered a heart ache? i wondered. And was it not derogatory to someone else's love when you exclaim that it's somebody else's love you are seeing in it? It was mean on the part of GM. It's convincing that he loved her more than anyone else, but it didn't give him the licence to ask someone to replace the love which was copyright of some other person! ah! Rebellion was at work.
It has been a decade.An aeon negligent, but for me, knowing that i have a short life, its a big span of time, i'd say. Read many books, got defeated many a time, won my ego, got eluded, and got experienced with each shot of mine. Its a world which is ready to get chaotic, so delicate the balance is. Nevertheless, the balance will be eventually restored. This is what Thermodynamics taught me. I had already heard of Indian Institute of Managements when i was 13. They churn a league of extraordinary gentlemen, this was what i was told, but none of them has The Excalibur what he had!
Radha was most dedicated to the GM. Certainly, he reciprocated to her with fullest of intensity.
"I don't like proud poeple, i leave them the moment their ego comes in between. I also try to avoid people who try their sovereignty over me. It's just a selfless dedication i want, nothing more. It's the price one has to pay for my love."
This was what was missing in others. And what about those 16 000 wives? A battalion indeed! He had to marry them, since noone was there for them, they were downtrodden at the moment, souls were pure. So they dedicated themselves and my Manager obliged them. He always gauged the psychology of opposite person and spoke in his language. Maryada Purushottam was a different case altogether, he was not like him.
"I'm like a lotus which though is surrounded by water, but still water can not stay on its leaves!"
This was the key to the first intelligent sentence which i heard when i was fourteen! It was neither infatuation nor was it attraction... it was dedication, unconditional love, which i believed never existed! So simple a fact! Fact is really stranger than fiction! And like all universal truths, this one too was sweet; sweet enough to make me believe i heard some faint tintinabulation of cow- bells.

Nomads, are we?

Perhaps we all have seen our friends settling in life, settling to some place perhaps far far away, and often terra incognita. The question which intrigued me is that why do we then build our homes? and for that matter, why try to settle in our lives, if we may have to leave our peg and tether and drift away to some other place?

My grand-dad built his home somewhere, a place we left a long back (We now live somewhere else, in a house built by my dad). And if the things keep on going in this manner then i doubt severly that i'll be ever settling in Patna. Then why did pa settle there? why did my grandfather settle? he knew that none of his 5 children were going to stay!

I remember that namita once told me Only humans allow their children to come back home! Perhaps it has percolated in human nature to settle at some point. It is exactly in this way we left behind the nomadic age ages behind. But something which is the driving force of nature can not be changed; they say everything except change is bound to change! It is nature which urges us to move on in life, and it is our lethargy (may be the tardiness introduced by the hormonal changes) which in some way which keeps us from moving.
We might have left nomadic age aeons ago, but the nomad in us tries to drift us into some place unknown.
We often tend to drift from our roots so that we may explore the world, and when we find that we have seen enough of it, we return to our base!

We drift because we have the courage and the will to try anything out, and we settle because our experiences bind us to stay, it is the feeling of insecurity which deters us from proceeding. It's the fear of loosing which takes the grip coupled with a sense of satisfaction and feeling of frailty.

We often move forward because we need to achieve something in our life, and if we remember this, perhaps the nomad in us will never ever will be left behind and we would not have to return to our children!