... Till Death Do Us Party!

Welcome to World Self Murderer's Association! Here at World Self Murderer's Association, or WSMA, we are trying to make a suicider's attempt more formal and and more efficient than usual, so that they may always rest in a piece after the attempt. We have witnessed quite a few felo de se who find themselves on hospital beds and have mistaken doctors and nurses as St. Peter/ Lucifer aka The Satan/ Yam devata/ Chitragupta (depending upon the hospitality and religion) and Angels/ Witches/ Apsara/ Chudail (again depending upon aforementioned factors). So it is our simple and noble aim to provide all the necessary equipments and facilities for a successful suicide mission. It has been our motto Let's Make World a Better Place to Live and Leave and Let Leave. I have a dream that every human on this earth must have a card in his hand, the membership card of this Association- Kar Lo Duniya Mutthi Mein, Hum Hain na!

Yes sire! you can verify our records, all of our members are dead hitherto, at least we never found anyone resurrected/ undead. I must admit that the business is roaring these days especially after the stylising of blogging and suiciding amongst students of some premier institutes/ after taking CBSE board exams. We provide ergonomic, very best, reliable and foolproof time tested ways to end the life. That's why we say Believe in Yourself, Believe in the Best.

Fine Prints:

1. We do have some student's scheme which allows a rebate of 50% in fees for registrations.
2. If you are a daughter in law, if your marriage is just new (must not be older than 365 days) then we provide Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahut Thi Scheme: we give you 40% rebate, and we supply kerosene/ gasoline/ LPG free in that case (you need to buy the matchstick yourself, we recommend Horse- Head ones, they light faster, and one stick is enough).
3. If the Marriage is older (366 days to not more than 540 days), then We have Kahani Gharr Gharr Ki scheme: we depreciate the rebate by 5% per month under this scheme.
4. Note Bene: We do not recognise any marriage older than 540 days, we consider it as a particular case of Alien Encounters of The Third Kind and hence a perennial headache to which everyone will eventually (and gradually) get immuned to. The Scheme hence is named as Kasauti Zindagi Kay Scheme, and is currently out of our scope of action.
5. For the people in other sectors like some school boys immolating themselves/ people committing any other act of cowardice/ martyrdom willing to die, like seasonal suiciders, as we prefer to call them, we have a scheme of Kaahin kissi Roz... There are no rebates whatsoever, we treat them as respected guest consumers of our person specific services.
6. Suicide Bombers are not considered in the category mentioned in 5 above.

Here is a sample form which needs to be duely filled to gain a member status in WSMA:

• Name:____________________________.

• Occupation: Student/ Housewife/ Lunaticism/ Fanaticism/ Suicide Bomber/ Other (please mention): ______________________________.

• Purpose which this mission serves (in not more than fifteen lines): _______________________________________________________________.

• if you want to blame anyone/ anything (Yes/ No, if yes, please name them, in comma separated format):________________________.

• How many times have you failed in suicide attempts before? (Please Mention in Numerals not greater than 4 digits, not negative numbers): _____.

• If more than 1, any reasons for your failure? (at least 10 words, attach more pages if needed, this will appear in our FAQ, for the people intrigued why they were unsuccessful in their attempts): _______________________________________________________________.

• What is the equipment you need (please tick one or more): (a) Knife/ scissors/ blade/ any sharp object (b) Kerosene/ Gasoline/ LPG (c) a raised podium and a rope (d) other (please mention).

• Which membership facility do you want (tick one)? (a) VIP (b) deluxe (c) sadomasochist (d) blind game (e) Techno.(Description: VIP- Rope has soft, but sturdy material with a safety factor of 2 to bear double your weight, knife is excellent non-rusted stainless steel with platinum edged, LPG doesn't have a Pungent Ethyl Mercaptan smell which is irritating to many, podium has a red carpet with a welcome message printed with your initials on it. DELUXE- Good quality blade/ knife/rope/ podium; best and economical. SADOMASOCHIST- chains and barbed wires, (accessories are handcuffs, and gags) instead of ropes, two handed saw in place of knife/ blade and compressed fart and taped musical cacophony as a substitute of silent LPG. BLIND GAME- you will recieve a surprise item for your suicide mission, makes your suicide hour a happy and amusement hour. TECHNO- Calls for ultra modern suicidal techniques like employing overdose of Osmium in your favourite Diet cola Drink or overdose of Potassium Chloride to give the heart some extra jerk).

• Stimulus/ event in breif which pushed you towards suicide (please attach extra sheets, shall the space seems insufficient) e.g Ditched by a girlfriend, stumped by mates, abused by master, kicked by mother in law, bad food in mess etc: _________________________.

• An Informal letter/ formal application attached herewith this form (in CBSE proforma).

• Left thumb imprint (if Male) or else, Right thumb Imprint (if female).

• The Stamp sized Photograph.

• Type of membership (please tick one): (a) lifetime membership (b) yearly (c) seasonal (d) once (e) trial offer.

Signature with date: _________________ .

I have read all the above crap and i will abide by the rules of the Association, and I understand that the above mentioned information is correct to the best of my knowledge, and I and only I shall be left responsible through out my life for any discrepancies if found, at later stage.