Dedicated to Kau: Part 2 of 3: Ek Chhoti si Love Story

Ramu had a best enemy [like the highest order animals have best pals] known as Kau. He was a mean machine, but he also had a golden heart, it depended solely on his mood if he was in a golden mood or not...

Ramu wanted to get exported to America, like other animals of his IITian breed. One way was to deport himself in the cage of smuggled baboons, while the other way out was via giving a moronic exam which promised to satisfy the various GREeds of knowledge, money, position, power and fortune of most "aliens" [this is what international highest order biped animals are termed in the United States]. Ramu being an underpriviledged malnutritioned animal did not have a credit card to pay the sum the GRE people demanded. Kau readily accepted to pay the sum and it was the time when Ramu wanted to pay back what he borrowed from Kau. They were to meet at some place in Kolkata, let's call that place Witty Center. Kau was in a bad mood, as usual. From 5:20 in the evening, he started calling Ramu every 5 minutes, snarling that why in the world was he late, as he had to reach Witty Center by 6:30, and Kau will have to miss the bus to his home, he feared. Ramu was seriously agitated, but he could not lock horns with Kau, as he was travelling towards the venue with the Bandi. Keeping his boiling lava inside him, he pacified Kau. However, on reaching the pre- decided spot, Kau was nowhere to be seen.
Ramu on phone 6:30 PM: "Kahan hai tu?"
Kau on Phone: "Office mein, gimme 5 minutes, will be there"
Ramu never knew if 360 seconds made a minute or something like that. Kau appeared at the spot after what seemed like an aeon.
Kau looked in his Best, with a skin tight XXL T- Shirt clinging to his geodesic potbelly, and hair nicely done, he donned the look of a perfect gentleman. Ramu was surprised at the new look of his best enemy.
Kau took both Ramu and Bandi [he could not leave Ramu behind, at least this is what etiquettes said] and treated them with coffees of their choice, the bill solely paid by Kau. In his golden mood, Kau was likable (at least, you should like the person who pays the bill for your costly coffee treat!). Kau was trying to impress the girl with his etiquettes, while Ramu was busy relishing his share (and Kau's share) of cold coffee. Kau was pleading "I'm so ssssssorry, it's because of him that i did not get the time to ggggroom myself.... i hope u don't mind my look. Gimme one more chance and i can present myself in my best. Please don't mmmmind"
This sentence was repeated in many different ways and said in many different human languages. Ramu was looking out of the bus window now as he had no interest in the gossip the grown ups do. Girl was busy filling in the Survey like questions of Kau, and Kau's curiosity kept him popping more doubts, and the bus was stuffy, and Ramu was happy that his money was not wasted on a waste like coffee [which he enjoys on others' cost].

The girl wanted to go to some friend's home, and Kau was eager to drop her their, despite of him getting late for his abode. The girl, however, parted and so did Ramu, leaving Kau in a cool emotional surge...

Ramu later learned that Kau and the lady were planning to go to the movie The Pirates of Caribbean. It was a night before the d'day that a chat took place between the two.

11:31 PM kau: sala

!@#$

me: kya hua?

kau: kahan hai

11:32 PM me: kahe ro raha hai

kau: aabe yeh teri bandi..kya SERIOUSLY dabba HAI?

me: kya hua?

kya kia tum dono ne?

be right back

11:33 PM ab rona shuru kar wapas. am back

11:34 PM kau: kya hua...sun..gajab dhakkan bandi hai..aare, movie ke liye khud 3 din pehel haan boli thi jab poocha to...ticket kharidne ke liye boli advance, with MADAM ji ka prefered timing..aur kal raat tak haan haan hami bharti rahi..

and GUESS WHAT..

11:35 PM aaj morning ko call kiya to uthayi nahi

abhi 5 MIN pehele yahoo mein bolti hai..ki kal koi SUBMISSSION hai uske office mein it seems

so cannt come

WHAT THE HECK YAAR...

11:36 PM PIRATES ka ticket i had to book thru credit card..

me: :(

ohhh

kau: 220 bucks

pani mein

me: she is so unprofessional

this is bad

kau: i even ditched KRITI

AND GUESS WHAT

me: kya?

11:37 PM abe kriti ko le jana fir

kau: KRITI WAS THE ONE ON WHOSE CREDIT CARD I BOOKED IT, ..i was supposed to go with him for PIRATES COZ HE HAD ASKED ME WAY EARLIER

me: kal pakad le

kau: I CHANGED MY PLANS ON WEDNESDAY coz of your Bandi

and now, this..

me: ohhhhh, yeh to kela ho gaya tera

11:38 PM kau: aare.KRITI ke apne plans nahi kya..just think how cheap i wud appear to KRITI if i asked him now

me: this is bad yaar

saturday ko kahin submission hota hai bhala

kau: and GUESS WHAT

KRITI was so generous engh..he gave me his CREDIT CARD (coz the card has to b shown at the counter 4 confirmation..)

11:39 PM SERIOUSLY..this is way way unprofessional

me: tch tch tch

usse baat kar

kau: AND WAY TOO CHILDISH

me: phone pe

hana yaar, yeh childish thode hi hai

it is bad

kau: AGR submission HAI TO SHE MUST HAVE KNOIWN IT EARLIER NA

me: tu usse baat kar ke bol clearly ki aisa nahin karna chahiye tha

11:40 PM agar nahin jana tha to pahle bol deti

kau: forgrt it...

me: u had to bow before kriti for his credit card

kau: I CALLED up her in the evening she hadnt picked it up

atleast she shud have had the courtesy to call back

me: haan yaar

kau: she ssays ..her BALANCE wasnt there

me: tujhe load hua hai, main samajh sakta hoon

11:41 PM kau: AND GUESS WHAT

she has a POST PAID na?

me: landline to hai hi uske paas

kau: AABE..load nahi..i feel humiliated

me: haan main samajh sakta hoon

kau: NOT ONLY BECOZ OF HER..BUT BECOZ i now have to ask some collegue or kriti TO COME ALONG

neways...

11:42 PM me: bandi ko bolna ki tujhe kitni sharmindgi jhelni padi

kau: ACHA..DONNT MENTION A WORD OF THIS RETORT OF MINE TO HER

me: nahin re

kyun bolunga

kau: IF SHE HAS SENSE..she will call up

me: haan

she should call u up

kau: YAHOO pe rto lecture de rahi thi ki..SHE WILL make up or something

dekhte hain

me: shud i ask her to call u up?

11:43 PM make up matlab?> make up kar ke aayegi?

kau: aare..CHODO.infact, i rather played the whole issue down..as if her not comming wasnt of much consequence

that shud suit her

guess, she values her importance way too much or something

whatever

me: arre usko yeh to bola hota ki uske karan tujhe kitna zaleel hona pada

11:44 PM kau: HAAN WO TO BOL HI DIYA

me: kahan bola tune?

kau: aur agar call kari..ya agle baar phone pe baat hua to AIS ASUNAOONGA

me: tune to yeh show kiya ki tujhe fark nahin pada

kau: bola..ki SHE SHUD HAVE INFORMED ME BY EVENING..

AT LEAST WHEN I CALLED HER UP

11:45 PM me: kau

tu usse badla le

usse ticket khareedwa

aur mat ja

kau: CHODENGE TO NAHI

me: ekdum tit for tat badla hai

yes

kau: jo bhi ho...SUNA KE TO CHORUNGA

me: ab aaya na tu track pe

mard ban mard

11:46 PM seene pe baal hain to usko prove kar

kau: agar sali call nahi bhi ki to hi-bye ke bahane khudcall karonga aur sala @^&#..KO AISA SUNAOONGA

aabe..tu kya MAZAK KE MOOD MEIN HAI?

me: nahin sale

kau: YE KYA LIKH RAHA HAI

me: tujhe tempo de raha hoon

tu bhi na

11:47 PM kau: ok..ok

me: woh nahin aayi aur tu chup chap sunta reh gaya

gadha!!

kau: NAHI SAALE yahoo messeger pe jitna bolna tha bola

me: kya bola tune?

kuchh bhi to nahin!

kau: ab to PHONE PE BOLLONGA

me: ladki ke samne shareef ban jata hai

kau: HMM..SHAYAD

me: kuchh nahin bol payega tu

11:48 PM kau: sala..chara maat

me: munh mein dahi jama ke baitha rahega- bandi ke aage teri aisi hi halat hoti hai

nahin to kya aarti utarun teri?

kau: hmm...nahi, kal to call karna hi karna hai..

USKI !@#$ KI TO

SERIOUSLY BE..

11:49 PM MAIN SALA KUCH ZYADA HI SARIF HOON

kaal to xsunake chorna hai

me: Bandi se main kuchh kahun ya tu handle karna pasand karega?

kau: NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH

DONNT DO THAT..

me: to tu bolega

agar main nahin to tu

kau: SHE WILL THINK I HAVE NO BACKBONE TO HANDLE MYSELF

me: soch le

sale woh tere paas bilkul nahin hai

kau: I WILL SPEAK TO HER FIRST..

11:50 PM %$#@!

me: theek hai

kau: !@#$, KYA BOL RAHA HAI

me: dekhte hain tere munh mein se phool jharte hain ki aag

abhi yahoo pe online hia

dikha de aaj

kau: THIK HAI..BANDI SE HI SUN LENA AFTER I BASH HER UP..

USI SE AB TAK BAAT HO RAHI THI..KAHA NA

11:51 PM me: okies, dekhte hain teri bahaduri- darpok!

kau: I KNOW SHE IS ONLINE

me: hmmmmm

theek hai

kau: WHATEVER

me: kal ka suraj batayega ki kya bol paya tu

11:52 PM chal koi ni

peace maar

kau: YAHOO KA QUOTA OVER ho chuka , PHONE PE BATIYANGE

me: kal movie dekh aur khushi se enjoy kar

11:53 PM kau: WAISE BHI YAHOO MEIN WO SALI..3 MIN BAAD REPLY MARTI HAI

me: abe woh thesis likhti hai

isiliye 3 min bad reply karti hai

kau: pata hai

sali ko REVIT tak nahi aata

sketch-up pe phatti hai

11:54 PM aur 3D max main main exprt hoon ya nahi poochti hai

*&^%

me: koi ni be

kau: khair..

chal main nikalta hoon

me: kya ghalat poochhti hia?

tu exp[ert nahin hai kya?

kau: sone jata hoon

me: chal be

sadma laga hoaga tujhe

kau: bahut gussa dimag gghooma deta hai

me: so le thoda

kau: bbye

GDNITE

11:55 PM me: good nite

kal movie enjoy kariyo

kriti ko saath le jana

bbye

This chat was followed by an ugly laughter from Ramu's side, and a silence of 17 minutes....

(to be continued)

Dedicated to Kau: Part 1 of 3: Birth of an Evil Genius

In the primordial jungle of Dept of Architecture, in Institute of Indian Technology, lived thirteen primates collectively known as the Design Czars. They were an awful lot, scheming bizarre ideas, and ideas of making weird cave drawings about just anything. Each of them had their eccentricities and one of the Neanderthals was affectionately (though I don't have proof of that, it's just a guess) named Koushik by its parents, or just Kau in short. As mentioned in the other meaning of subordinate clause of last sentence, Kau loved to be robed in shorts, usually more than 15 days dirty, some were patchy with various food stuff it generously shared with its garments, and various sweat glands in its body which were still not closed by a thick layer of dead skin and humus accumulated over the aeon of 28 years.

People used to loathe Kau, especially the animal next to it named Jha ji. Though the other animal called Czacci showed that he hated him, but it was speculated that he secretly loved the dirty (both meanings- physical and mental) ways of it.

Ramu (short for Ramapithicus) believes that It was all rumour floated by the other Neanderthals to make fun of that poor thing Kau. Ramu believes no one can have brain so rotten from birth that it can be termed Mad Kau Diseased. The Ramapithicus also believes that unlike Polio, Mad Kau disease does not affect children, unless they eat beef. Kau loved pork, not beef. So it could be a mad pig disease at best, if it could be termed sick.

It was famous that Kau usually wandered from one room to other, its hand inside his shorts, itching, just an hour or two before submissions of cave drawings done on autocad, and used to see, what special its batch- mates did, and used to integrate them in his drawings. Ramu used to explain to his batchmates that by doing so, Kau always put a symbolic message of unity in its drawing, which only the enlightened Profs of IIT could catch and award the high marks to him.

A special ingredient in its submissions was an application before the submissions. The application mentioned that due to some unforeseen act of God (his senior who passed out of IIT with Donkey and Devil- read my other story Of HOD, God and Donkey) he usually was unable to submit the drawings. The profs, being the expressionists, reacted violently to it, showing their big canines and sharp nails, hissing and beating their flabby chests, but it was a certain element of suspense which made its drawings interesting, just like the Romanesque piazzas and vistas (which comprised of a narrow, long road suddenly leading into a very wide space, had an element of surprise waiting for the people). The animal named Kau would work for 4 days non stop and then present his integrated design which would have a dome like St. Sophia's Cathedral, an Ocular opening like a pantheon, some ribbon windows and a lot of trellises, the whole plot would be exquisitely landscaped. It was then left for the whole of the batch to pick and choose their elements out of that master oeuvre. It was a pleasure to see Kau pleading the prof for an extension and how he would not have asked had his hard disk not crashed 6 hours ago. And it was replied by the prof that why did he not make a back up an hour before that crash! Ramu knows that it was fun for it, but was it the same expression of its other batchmates, it never occured to it.
(there's more to come...)

The Spidey Returns

It's the season of sequels. Nice kiddy- kiddy movies going family- family kinds in their new avatars. And in his new avatar, spidey rocks, and when he did so (but not better than Prabhuji aka Mithun da), i fell from chair, rolling with laughter. Rock and roll.

Spidey is now fully settled in the city, and people love him, especially the kids. He is now ready to replace Shilpa Shitty now, appearing in concerts and parties and inaugurating shops and giving his autographs. In one of the parties, he appears for some ribbon cutting ceremony, and kisses a beautiful girl standing there. I was expecting that when he unmasks himself, then I'd be seeing the face of Emraan Kiss-me, as a surprise element. But Emraan Kiss- me did not oblige his fans . He had this to say

"It was a nice presentation on Tobey's part. Kissing someone hanging upside down must be real fun. In bollywood movies, the kissing scene has been experimented with so many objects, even villains kissing the cameras lenses, or Sridevi kissing the glass slab in Mr. India, but not like this! Not even kamasutra mentions such an innovative pose. I appreciate myself for giving this role to Tobey boy"

Rakesh loathes the very idea of eating from someone's plate. He argues that it is "the saliva thing" which he detests. The same idea could be extended to kissing people too...

After this scene, the movie goes on the road forged by Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna. Spidey fighting with villain, then spidey fighting another villain, then spidey fighting with his girl, he looked like Mayawati or Mamta Di fighting against the scum of the societies. Relations were broken, and to make the matter worse, some black symbiotic alien (who had an uncanny nature of making people acting like a buffoons- it made him react in a similar manner), who had an english name Venom (sounds like those WWE wrestlers), too finds shelter in the body of spiderman. Said my friend "Of all the people, the alien found Spidey!" Definitely, suppose if I want to join politics, then definitely I would be joining the party which is in power, not the one who keeps on throwing tantrums and keeps calling a truce. So that is why the Venom chose spidey, or perhaps, the kissing scene might have lured him, who knows.

Alien actor Venom vented his venom on the sets of Spiderman-

It was a shock for me. What i perceived as a kissing saga turned into a family story of Spiderman. My hopes were shattered in the starting itself, but the main shock was yet to come. He started singing and dancing, as if the former trauma was not enough. I could feel the silent laughter of spot boys at the scene, and my host body of Spidey looked comic, but what the heck!

The Climax (compare it with any hindi flick):
The heroine is tied up and is lying hapless on a giant cobweb (made by the Venom), held captive, and here comes Spiderman to rescue her. I had a strong urge for a song at that point- Spiderman dancing and singing so that the Venom doesn't kill the sweetheart.

jab tak tere pair chalenge, iski saans chalegi"-- Gabbar Singh, Sholay

In the end, there was a big fight, in which all the baddies of the movie had a congregation, and spidey served them sometimes in first-come-first-serve manner, and sometimes in parallel, until they united and thrashed him to pulp. Spidey had no option left now but to use the deadliest weapon he had... the power of music. What followed was the recitation of Symphony number 9 on Xylophone by the maestro. I wish mithun da was in the role, he would have played a classic number and danced too, as he did in Classic- The dance of love; i wish the movie was directed by director Karrion Jahar for a better family script, but alas- all wishes don't come true. As my anonymous friend doubts "How did the sandman (one of the villains) take his daily bath?". Who would have noted this point of personal hygiene in this otherwise clean movie?

The Tummy Story

I woke up and went to the computer, (which is the only means of survival in this hot and extremely humid paradise) and logged into Orkut. I found there this community "Tond Club". The community is an agglomeration of people having all sorts of waist sizes from 40 to 28 and a half.

This community has left me remembering my aunt who once defined the "Stone Tond" of someone or the "Soft Tond" of mine which is more like gelatinous pudding.

It has also left me wondering how can we measure whose is a better tummy? It is quite an impossible question for people who hail from draught struck area and they never possessed (rather got possessed) by this thing. Could it be the radius of curvature, like astrophysicists around the world measure all heavenly bodies?

The criteria could then well be like:

Please tick one tummy you admire: Radius of Curvature being: (a) infinity (like those flat screen televisions) (b) that of earth at equator (c) that of football (d) that of incandescent bulb (in this case, it perhaps would be a tumour, malignant or benign, that tests would tell).

Another way could be radius of gyration, as engineers measure. We all know that the more the bubble in the carpenter's spirit level is at centre (when placed at the centre of abdomen), the smaller is the radius of gyration. So all interested parties could be left to gyrate their hips, the more they can, the better will a tumtum be called.

Or could it be more informal like what farmers grow in orchards, like apple tummies or pear tummies, and the vote be drawn on the favour of fruits you enjoy devouring, or the taste of the tummies you can dig your teeth into. It could be coconut for those hirsute tummies, resembling a coconut kept on table (also known as "pointed Tond" in hindi), and people who like coconuts may have a weakness for that. And for people like me, it could well be, i don't know, because i have pretty feeble knowledge about fruits which are so soft.

I realise that the proper presentation of a tummy too might make it win a few more points, like people who wear the pants below their tummies and shirts which are small so that the lower furry half of their tummies is visible to the world would turn out to be a winner, indeed, quite closely followed by people who wear the shirts so tight that it looks as if the buttons on the pinnacle of their stomach would pop and the shirt ready to burst open.

I also realise that people like me (who have soft) and a few celebreties (like Adnan uncle), who have their complete torsos turned into a geodesic dome pose a problem, but if some gradation of this thing could be made possible, then perhaps every 2 out of 3 Americans and 1 out of 1000 Nigerian owners would feel great about their objects of desire, and may aspire for a better pantheon.

To Boldy go, Where No One has Gone Before

Earth calling spaceship, earth calling spaceship, come in spaceship, come in!
yes earth, Commanding officer of the ship calling earth...
Is everything all right, Officer?
Yes base, everything's going fine. We are now at some 52, 310 km distance from you in the direction.And the journey till now has been as easy as tossing the coin..... Wait! Why did not the coin touch the ground!! Ha! The distance is falling rapidly- I repeat, base- the distance is falling rapidly.... We are now 45, 375 kms from you base, get some help! Labor's day, labor's day!! We are falling under gravity!!! help!!!
Woo hoo! have fun!!
We need back up, this is an emergency....
errr... sorry, the back up ppl are on holiday, Sir!
Then gimme the puppy power, will you?
The puppies took the ships to menzoberranzan... and you'd ve happy to know that and they're having a good time with the dark elves and their pet panthers...
send some polar bears then (argh!)
They are busy protesting against some climatologists, they seem to like the new swimming pool which has appeared near north pole...
Then send some IITians damn it!
They have a lifetime supply of movies, they won't budge~
We are just foot away from earth- help!!!
erm... that must be Zoria, the planet of Argot planet system...
I want to die! Aw Gawd!! I want to die....
It's easy to get confused between....
You mean am i that fool to confuse between this torture and death?!
naahh... you're more silly than just that
We had taken a dog with us in this spaceship, and he seems to be bouncing around and stomping us....
How cruel... where's his seat belt?
He chewed it!
He certainly would, you shouldn't have made it out of your beau's skin, captain...
It is not that he is stomping us, while stomping he never forgets to- urghhhh... stop licking me, you overexcited beast! Get off! shooh- and our seatbelts are stuck... this irritating piece of junk doesn't open up! and this ass keeps on popping up every two minutes- get away you fat animal from the camera!
hmmm.... creatures of order higher than humans were not allowed to be taken with. Who asked you to take the dog along with?
We took it as our guide to galaxy.... Ak-chhoo!! It is shoving it's tail in my nose now! You sonovabitch!
Excuse me Sir! You can not talk like that befor....
A dog is a son of a bitch, any doubts, officer?
Yessir! And the improbability drive installed on the ship? guides very well....
Off you idiot! The drive is corrupt with some virus..... It says you are on earth, in some Mariana like trench...
It's corrupted. Don't believe it.
Definitely! It shows some unbelieveable distance from base and says- Whoa! That animal was a Shark! We ARE in a trench!!
Enjoy the view then...
(i'm glad that the ejecting system of the seat too failed!)
... after all, it's not everyday that its not everyday that one gets stuck in a beautiful place as such. We'll contact the authorities in zoria. You'll be out of that place in a month's time... Till then, have a nice time...
Gawd No! Stop IT! I'm in some trench of earth! Find me!! Tell me- do sharks eat tail wagging face licking idiots?
You can try feeding him. But seeing your predicament (faulty seat belts)... you ought to be more nervous than the dog.
That dog has been joyously souting at the sharks and they too are enjoying it! This fat junk thinks they are his type!
The dog might be having conversation in Zorian language.The dog is yelping some unhummable number.
I believe they are singing....
More like southy songs... Yeah! The dog and the 12 sharks encircling my ship....
Yay! You are getting the traditional Zorian welcome dance. They seem to like you!
Yeah, and where will i be after 24 hours of finishing of this great ritual? In the septic tanks of sharks, if they have it.
Well... You see, the creatures there are far more efficient in utilizing food, so you'll not be wasted
I wish the sharks come and take away this beast so that they may sing and dance in unison. He'd be a nice meal to them.
Shh... Don’t let them hear your plans. They like to do the opposite of what one plans.
Dog is busy sniffing every long standing thing and spraying his “scent” on it.
Look on the sunny side… he's not licking your face any more.
There's no sun. Only some faint light of some fish
Okay let’s call that fish Fludge. Fludge is showing you the light.
Call it some stupid fish which is dumb enough to sing with them.
More like he's putting a spotlight on you so the sharks get a better view. Isn't he a generous little chap?
Yeah, the generous fellow sounds more like a rhino mixed with a duck.
As they say... Beauty is in the eye of the beholder... I'm sure, Mrs. Fludge thinks he sounds quite good.
They did not say about blind people.
In fact... There are reports of Mr. Fludge taking part in underworld idols…
And quite oblivious to his beauty, more and more creatures are joining the chorus and ouch~ they are banging the hull now!!
They're background singers… no no...! They're just playing the drums!
This retarded dog things they are eager to meet him. Shut up! Get someone to help us out of this! The hull is about to breach and I'm stuck in this mess.
Is that okay if I ask tomorrow?
Why? Is today some strike?
It’s after office hours now…
And what are you doing, may i ask, after the office hours?
I was doodling…
Gawd! This is nuts! Pull us out, the oxygen's getting thin here!! I'm your commander u dumb man!
Why?! Stay there
NOW!!!
I do not remain an active service WOMAN after 5. I will sue you for stopping me from doodling.
Go ahead and sue me! At least i'll be alive to kick u after that
And well... After having been tormented like this, i have to take tomorrow off. I'm sorry but there's no one else to take your message, sir…! And since I'm already planning on taking Friday as holiday……
..... I’ll Suspend... Gulp blub. Save my dog! He cost me 5 000 bucks!
Sir! You'll definitely have someone there by Monday…
Gulb bulb .............
(water entered, everyone's being merrily eaten by sharks and other sea animals still singing the song)
Ooh... That sounded interesting... Bubble talk! Sir!!!
……….
Hello Spaceship, come in! Are you dead, Sir~ Sir?
……….

Hi Chief... Captain Tango Foxtrot reporting Sir! Having a nice time at the golf game? Uh huh... yeah, i was just hanging around in the office feeding the fish, they seemed to like the meal... I was just about to wind up the loose ends of the day. Oh yeah, and Commander of the spaceship- whatshisname- called, and i think your project of The Space Mission is a grand success- he was speechless~! Yes sir, I can feel your joy even on this channel! Yes Sir, I informed the press about it- they are rather bored these days! Oh, and I just added in the details about the virus infected system onboard, insufficient fuel and oxygen... That would make a complete- readable- scoop! Have a nice day, Sir!!

This story and the last one "Of God, Hod and Donkey" was not written solely by me, but they evolved in a chat with my friend, Samira :) Thanx to her.

Exercising the Labia Oris Muscles

Indians are a breed which is tolerant anything except for- you can guess what it is from the title, my help is not needed! Gone are those days when they showed two birds feeding each other or two flowers swaying (albeit in very unnatural way, as if someone sitting below was shaking them!).

Richard Gere could be sentenced jail for kissing a Shetty Woman. This lady too has a sad story. First someone kicks her, then someone kisses her and court finds courtly kiss in country an offense. The judge along with two other advocates found this incident obscene:

The magistrate, Dinesh Gupta, reacting to a private complaint filed by advocate Poonam Chand Bhandari, watched a CD of an AIDS awareness function in Delhi at which Gere hugged and gave Shilpa a peck, as shown by a TV channel, to pronounce that the act was "sexually erotic" and "indecent". [read further for entertainment]

Says advocate Ramautar Gupta:

"It is all indecency and nudity which our society cannot tolerate."

It Sounds as if Shakespeare was reborn in Afghanistan of 90's. Says one comrade who has a taste for saffron and a distaste for all things which sound feminine "Only humans (in an Agent Smith-ian manner) kiss, have you seen animals pecking? No! Only Humans do this indecent act. And we want all the people of this holy land to abolish this age old malpractice. You see, it was all started by Geeks." "You mean people who kiss are nerds?" "Yes they are! But i was talking about about the citizens of some European country. Yeh Desh Kissanon ka hai- yahan aisa kissa nahin chalega! Think of the situation when everyone starts kissing, no one would do any work!"

One of the most eminent actors and pecking experts of our local Hollywood of India, Emran Kissme has this to say "I wish Richard all the best. He did the right thing by Kissing and running out of the country. He should go to some country which does not have an extradition treaty with India. You see, this is why all my pecking scenes are shot in foreign countries, and i do it only if the script (which is at most as lengthy as an A5 sheet) demands, or the director demands, or even if the heroine demands. There is a catch though, that the duration of proper kissing should not be less than 5 minutes and there should be a nice sound as if someone is rubbing balloons. Richard should have consulted me before doing this. Had he done that, the judge would not have to see the scene unnecessarily made long by the media by repeating the same frame again and again."

The actress Muli-ka Sharbat was not at all amused by this controversy. The actress of film Khwahish (the film with 17 kisses, which made me believe that Hazaron Khwaishein Aisi had 1000 times more kisses) explains why she was never summoned by the court "It is because of the wooden expression i throw when kissing that the scene doesn't look erotic at all! An expressive face could have landed in trouble, as has this." It was a short and subtle reply. A hero kissing such a girl could be easily mistaken for a woodpecker, or if he is expressive enough, then he would be mistaken as a conservationist juxtaposing his labia oris muscles to a tree and the law of the land does not stop animals from pecking, or humans kissing the trees. I am loving it as some newspaper puts this news above "India becomes trillion dollar economy". This entertainment cannot be pirated!

Gone-s and Morose-s

This article may seem harsh, but this is what i find neutral, without any biases.
I pity the loner who killed 32 and injured another 29 before killing himself. He reminded me faintly of a movie Runaway Jury. This movie was closely linked to another killing which took place in US a few years ago. The easy access to ammunitions and arms in US are the reasons some may point. Some hate the sick men (called shooters in both the cases) and some may shed a tear for those who died saving the kids in Virginia Tech. From the Neutral view point, it was more of a frustration which led Cho to this macabre state.

It is a debatable issue, that who was more wrong- the society who forged Cho into a shooter (and subesquently, a shame for his country, and his family) or Cho, who killed and injured 61 innocent lives.

It is akin a feedback amplifier. The output itself is the input. Why is there a hue and cry over it, when there was no control over the various stimuli which went into making Cho a deadly disaster?

"In high school, Cho Seung-Hui almost never opened his mouth. When he finally did, his classmates laughed, pointed at him and said: “Go back to China.”"

It's ridiculous that his classmates did not even care to know which country did he belonged to.

Wikipedia mentions that Cho was mistreated and was mocked by his friends when he tried to speak. He was told . To make someone unsocial is a making him mentally weak. The society shot bindfolded and Cho was hurt, and now Cho shot randomly, and 61 were affected. And when he finally blurted out his 1800 word manifesto, everyone had to hear. This music was written by the society, and the society has to face it.

And how could a commoner like Cho buy guns? This is the point which people forget. Is not it a responsibility of gun manufacturing companies to sell their products in more responsible manner? A gun doesn't have any other use, like toilet cleaning, that even a high school student might need it.

I read in a news paper that there were some phishing sites which were minting money by falsely portraying themselves as relief funds for this Virginia tech shooting case. Someone gives free access to guns, like Reliance gave mobiles to so many Indians, and some parasites use this graphic incidence to make money. Then why point all the fingers to the soul who died? They too must share his slander.

Society has a weak memory. It is a point which society will forget. This incidence will definitely become a wiki in Wikipedia.

My condolences for the grieved families who are gone forever. I sympathise for the family of Cho who had to bear the demise of their dear one with disgrace.

10C, Miss Haldar and Aao Scandal

This happened in hindi class, in my 10th std.

It was Madam Haldar who used to teach hindi to us. She had a voice shrill like parrot and she was known good for her ability to apply flimsy dialogues in their most appropriate context.

It was in the section A that someone asked her permission before entering her class and she said "aao". Soon enough, the guys caught the funny part of AAO and started reciting it like people do in Poojas, reciting the names 108 times. This new mantra percolated in our section of 10 C.There was this guy Pankaj, who after having a good experience of std 7th for three years had joined us and decided to stick with us till matriculation. He decided to take this uranium and convert it into nuke....

That eventful day, just after short break was madam's class, and Pankaj and his gang planned the whole logistics of the war. The chalked AAO everywhere, the teachers desk, the chair, the blackboard, all the front benches and filled wherever they could find the blanks with due sincerity. I, as usual was a mute witness to this drama, and was imagining what was going to come, and suddenly pankaj came to me. "tu yeh madam ko dikhayega. Agar nahin dikhaya to dekh lena chhutti mein!". It was a predicament before me. If i speak up, then it was me who was going to be in soup, and if i do not, then i was in deep water, and i had to think of something in less than 5 minutes. As the madam came, everyone stood up. The words "chhutti mein dekh lena" were echoing inside me... Just then i blurted out "Madam, do you have a duster, so that i may clean the board, in case if u want to write down the title..." the words were dying as "Miss" Haldar began turning towards the board, and the 57 pairs of eyes were twinkling in an anticipation of what was going to come...

Pankaj and his henchmen were sitting in some cool corner of 10C while haldar was shouting at the top of her voice, and when she saw that her threats were falling on deaf ears, she decided to take a harsh step. "Miss" Haldar called the then vice principal Fr. T M Joseph, whose office was next to our class. He followed Miss Haldar to help the damsel in distress. She told him “Dekhiye father kya likha hai!” Then she remembered that father TM could not read hindi, so she completed her own sentence “Aao, aur jane kya kya!” She did not want a roaring laughter to spoil the sympathetic attention that she had obtained from TM.

I don’t know if TM could understand the whole issue or not, but he croaked with a nasal twang (like a singer whose name sounds like mine) “Sooon heen ins the onnne!” I was feeling like Neo! And madame said “No sir! He helped me out, he is a good boy!!” Yes! I was saved. TM continued “If you people won’t tell, then you all will be suspended” Still no one budged. Who would have wanted to study when there was such a lucrative offer! So madam said in a final tone- “It’s over 10 C. You people have broken my heart!!” Tumne mere dil pe zakhm diye hain 10C, tumse ye ummeed nahin thi! to be accurate enough.

We all went out, with a great smile on our faces, thanking pankaj that he saved the day, atleast for handball, basky or TT.

In the later half, 8^th period, madam called us in the class. No one was interested to hear anything emotional, and seeing this, madam asked “By the way 10C, what is Damdami Maai?” Damdami Maai kya hota hai? One guy stood up and said “Miss, Chandrakanta mein jo Kalpana Iyer bani thi!!” the whole class burst out laughing, imagining the make up of Kalpana Iyer, with tonnes of Kajal laden eyes, weird colors smeared on the face and masculine voice shouting some mumbo jumbo! Just then pankaj stood shouting “arre jhooth mat bol, miss woh raja film mein madhuri jo bani thi na, wohi hai!!” Stop lying you! There was this role Madhuri did in Raja, this is what we tried to look into you! Whatever it was, damdami maai was a witch doctor, in both of these movies, and it was fun watching madam’s grim face!

Just then the bell rang and all the guys sang thaaaank youuuuu meeeees and ran away, except for me and gaurav. Gaurav used this opportunity to consolidate his position (or may be that he empathized with madam, I don’t know), and gave her a torn piece of paper in which he had written an apology on behalf of the whole 10C and I moved slowly, watching Haldar madam correcting that apology letter “Ufff! Badi ee ki jagah chhoti ee honi chahiye…. Yeh hua hraswa oo…”

Gud News, Bad News

Claim: Yeah, i want the title to sound like Rich Dad, Poor Dad.
Now to the topic.

Today's newspaper caught my eye-

Some primate Pan troglodytes aka Chimpanzee was found to use tool- a wooden spear for hunting.

Good News.

Some days back i read-

Samjhauta Express (a train running across two countries India and her beloved neighbouring country) bombed, and a lot of passengers, mostly pakistanis, died.
Bad News.

Now that i have these two news in my hand (of which, one is about Bush- i mean Bushbabies) and this gives me some ideas. I know, dead peoples and dead primates should not be made fun of, but can't help.

Idea 1:
Noone has yet taken any responsibility for samjhauta express bombing. Then who is the villain of this whodunit mystery? I have a few options: Joker, Raghavan Datta, or perhaps the chimps. What would the chimps be discussing? I'd try to reconstruct the scene:

The wife comes running and panting, with a long branch in her hand, excited and shouting:
"Hey honey, look! I invented a spear!! What do i do with it?....."
Hubby- "Stop poking me with it! Use it for whatever else it suits you!!"
Wifey- "Ummmm... i could use it for poking you... and caning the babies..... Hey, I have an idea!! Why not use it to kill Bushbabies? They'd be a swell game for this new tool- mean machine!"
Hubby, now thoroughly agitated, decides to move to some quieter place (like the railway lines) to get rid of this banter, gets up and movies in some perpendicular direction and quips "Yeah, Use it for Bush babies, and meanwhile I go and bomb mushy baby."

Idea 2:
It should be seen as opportunity, i mean the hunting. Uncle Sam can now sell few more guns, this time to Animal Kingdom, and train them to kill and sharpshoot Bushbabies.

Idea 3:
The world is irresponsible, to remind us this, Indian Railways says "Sawdhani hati, Durghatna ghati" (roughly translates to "alertness avoids accidents"). This means that Lashkar- E - Toiba (LET) and its other business rivals are innocent this time, in fact, they always were, as i was informed by hindi movies which depict terrorists as heroes with some scarred past.
Could it be a possibility that they could have left a bomb back in the train, by mistake? This would mean a very unprofessional conduct from him, as his casual nature resulted in so many casualties. It was a waste, in a manner, that the bomb could be used for more gratifying experiences, like killing some Prime Minister, or, bombing some big statue, like they effaced it from the mountains in Afghanistan, or even passing time by playing catch- catch with it.
Perhaps the bomber dude was not aware that billions of people in the world haven't even heard a blast, forget feeling a live bomb next to their skin. In an underpriviledged world like this (where the chimps are just using a stick, and calling them a spear in front of reporters), it was prodigal and extravagant on his part.

Anything for Ananda

---- End of Concept 1: What an IITian does ----

We all live for ananda. Britannica too has an entry for Ananda as

First cousin and disciple of the Buddha. A monk who served as the Buddha's personal attendant, he became known as the “beloved disciple.” It was Ananda who persuaded the Buddha to allow women to become nuns. By tradition, he was the only intimate disciple of the Buddha who had not attained enlightenment before his master's death; he attained that state just before the first Buddhist Council (c. 544 or 480 BC), when he recited from memory the Sutta Pitaka. He is represented as the author of several Buddhist discourses.

It is for the ultimate ananda and enlightenment that love is needed. Psychologists, Scientists and thinkers think alike. There is another sect which thinks on the same track, the couples, regardless of longitudes.

Scientists have found this compound anandamide, aptly named for its ananda producing effect, in chocolates. It is found to give a lot of pleasure to otherwise bored and sleepy neurons.

Recently, i was sitting in the field of my insti, with my friend, as usual boasting about the big things the IITians preferred to do (Students of Institute of Indian Technology never find themselves interested doing in small things, they are not God of Small Things, they simply are God of Big Bang).
I continued about the recent MMS scandal which happened, in which the main protagonists, the children of some Desi Pr0n School acted for some 2: 30 minutes and then they fizzed out, like the fuse of a bomb. The fuse is equally important, those who celebrate diwali must be knowing the plight of a bomb blighted due to moist and damp fuse. So, just unlike the bomb in question, they did their part of acting before the (mobile) camera with utmost sincerity. The rest of the news kept on singing about how an IITian got that MMS on computer, and how he managed to sell it for just 18K to some e- shop (which had an IITian CEO) and why both of these IITian kangaroos leaped into a trap. They are said to have even shared the same cell in jail too! (It is already a hell of a trouble in our halls, sharing a single seater room with another person who is not a girl) . This will be a superfluous to write that this couple (not the hero and heroine) suddenly shot to fame with their larger than life ideas. Big Shots. Big Shits.

A few years back, when i was in my second year, i read in a newspaper that one fresher of IIT Delhi lodged an FIR against his seniors. He insinuated them for ragging that poor soul. What did they do? They asked him to perform some Elvis Presley -like movements (albeit in some other sense). This inconsiderate chap never thought for a second about the ananda the seniors would have got, had he condescended to act as per their humble requests. The guy could be confused too, because they told him to watch a video lecture on this issue too, better known as Pondy amongst IITians. This is the best way to revise our class notes, as it enlightens us on more earthly anandas and in this process rejuvenates the young, genius and creative minds of tired souls. This issue quickly lost its air because of some unknown reason. It was the only exceptional case where the main protagonists did not rose to fame like some V Gupta, Vinod K., A Malhotra, Steve Jobbs (or Bill gates for that matter).

This time, my best buddy Raka called me on Valentine's day to tell me that some IITian, again this time from IITD, got caught selling Drugs in Salt Lake City, Kolkata. I was more than happy to hear that he made some quick crores before getting nabbed by our intelligent police. It was for good that i got my doubt clarified that the druggists did not peddle drugs. Thank you dad for it! Otherwise i would have sympathised with that great man. He could find a way to stupefy government is a commendable job. Last, it was some Gurukant Desai who did this kind of thing (in his case, importing unauthorised machines) with Indian government, for his own profit (important fact: he did not donate a single paisa for any welfare job, which meant that he was interested in the returns only) and later compared Gandhi with himself in patriotism. I have full faith in this senior of mine that sooner or later (which would be decided by Barasat Court, Kolkata, how sooner it will be) this man is going to be another Guru, if not, at least another Mahatma Gandhi for sure, because he is now liberating the clichéd soul of an average earthling, by giving him the formula of ethereal ecstacy (and in case the police adds a few chemical names in the list, and i'm sure it's not anandamide), who knows what tree will germinate from this seed, for, every today is tomorrow's yesterday.

The word IITian itself is scale- monumental...

My friend patiently heard my independence day's lecture (she gives me a good audience, this is what gives me ecstacy, that someone is there to hear my logic!) and finally replied, sweetly and yawning, Chand kitna pyara hai na! To which i replied with passion Haan, Bahut pyara hai! Certainly, sitting with her in the rough grass (which certainly never seems spikey when i'm with her), my hormones give me the Ananda which one of my respected profs (frust of another respected senior prof's undecayed enthu about visiting buildings for architectural studies at 9 o' clock night) called as The Orgasmic Pleasure.

Lijjat Papad and My Childhood

"Knowing something is good. Knowing something better is even better." -- A Great Man.

I used to see the Hare eating a Papad in the television and imagine, how great! To eat a fried papad was a treat to me and seeing this part of the ad was the most refreshing (as compared to the other agriculture related programs on that channel) part. My memories of that era are all black and white- not my fault, for they did not have Red, Green, Blue Electron guns in the Tube of TV then. I kept my attempts to derive my enjoyment from that bunny rabbit for a few years till i reached class seventh.

In Class seventh, i once saw that Diwakar (one of my rivals and friends) was engrossed in some big sized, but thin book in the bus. It had an emblem of a rabbit wearing a bow tie and blazer as the watermark, with some anatomical description of human body. It seemed to interest Diwakar (anything related to the opposite gender interested him). I, in my innocence, asked him, what is this that you are reading, friend? Still glued to this book, he said, Tere kaam ka nahin hai, relax kar! I wondered what it was, which had an emblem of a Handsome bunny on it! I poked him again, he said it's some magazine which I'm reading, so do not disturb me, buzz off! For reference, we will call it Diva's Mags.

With this sentence, the curiosity in me was raised. I decided to find this out by myself, whatever it takes. Because i did not want to be second to him in any field, so i went to my dad and asked him Which book is it which has a rabbit as it's emblem? He looked into some vacuum and replied back, It was one of the magazines which I used to read in my childhood, it is a very old magazine, even your Nani ji too might have read it! I was shocked to hear that because I did not know that my dad was so frank about this issue!
Wide eyed, I played my move- I asked him, Papa, can you bring this magazine today, while coming back from office? He said Yes, sure!

In the evening, he came back, and handed me the Chandamama...!

My dad is a simple person, and yes, from that time onwards, I have been reading chandamama and eating Lijjat Papad.

The rabbits have been playing an important role in my life. When my landlord went on hunt and brought some rabbits and when I ate the meat, I could not stop myself from uttering the eulogies for the creature which was going in my stomach bit by bit. I now can understand perhaps that was why the Shri Mahila Gram Udyog put that animal as the logo. A delicious thing eating another palatable item is a simile: This papad is as delicious as rabbit meat. So did that Diwakar's Magazine promised by putting up a side picture of a hare, A magazine with Meaty and Fleshy pictures, which surely will make your mouth water!

What i could not understand is the motivation of Publishers of Chandamama putting up that animal in their magazine. What i can speculate is that they wanted to tell that the bunny signifies that the magazine is perhaps equally moving (albeit in some other direction) like its foreign counterpart Diva's Mags, and the carrot it is eating signifies that it is completely vegetarian unlike it's American cousin. And how does the Papad relate to itself here in this barbecue of magazines? This is what i am still trying to figure out!

A Tribute to Mr. Kumar

Recently one of my friends showed me this video and i fell laughing on the floor. It reminded me of someone from my tragic past.

Long ago, there lived a Ramapithicus, who after toiling competed a nerdy exam called as Insane Institute of Tech-no-logy Jocund Exit Exam (which chose many nerds are chosen countrywide and remoulded into walking comedy machines who can test the patience level of an average human soul) came to an institute which earlier served as a concentration camp of britons (here the naughtiest brains of pre-Independence India were brought and they were entertained to their fullest, throughout their stay). There, in the first day, standing in the registration row, he met the first human being, which told him the it too hailed from the same state. Talking in common language hindi, our hero Ramu (short for ramapithicus) got a signal that this guy was amiable. He did not know that this guy, called Rakesh Kumar aka Vicky_4147 (his yahoo! id), was going to be his best friend for next 5 years.

Raka is the most beautiful guy of our batch, quipped a guitarist of our batch, which could simulate the drum beats with its annoying hissing sound (it thought it to be cool). And definitely, in tandem with his testimonial, girls fell for Rakesh like cut trees. It was some aura of his persona that attracted girls like flies near a trash. Ramu doesn't mean wrong, but the flies and cockroaches make an inevitable simile. One such damsel fell for Rakesh and quite naturally, Rakesh too fell for it, as he was without any other option, in the forest, alone with a girl much powerful than its frail body. Ramu still remembers the date, it was the 27th of month of September when the poor lass fell for it. The days were passing by, and the sems crossed, and gradually Raka preferred to pass more and more time with the young lady than his friends. A very genuine doubt kept echoing and resonating in the undeveloped mind of Ramu What do these two talk? Once he asked Raka Tu baatein kya karta hai itni der? If it is not very personal, then enlighten me! As far as i know you, you do not have any artistic mutations in your genes.
It replied, after a lot of blushing Current Affairs. So much for its affair. It was in the same year that it gave a presentation on ergonomics of thermometers. When i entered the class, i noticed that the class was in a bout of laughter. I really did not understand what had happened until the prof sang in its feminine tone Raakeysh, thees ees the Thermometer that yooo beelt? with thees beeg baalb? (Translated approximately in english, he meant Rakesh, is this the thermometer you built? With bulb this big?)

I being his closest friend had to cover his artistic sense with sentences like "Poor fellow, don't you know he is acutely color blind, that he can not see light colors. That's why he uses color combinations like Blue and magenta, or Red with Green and Turmetic Yellow". Humans kept on believing until Czacci (pronounced as Chaa'-chee) confirmed it from Raka, and Raka in all his pride went on explaining him that how i was lying about him, and how he liked that color combination. Next time i met Czacci, i had to explain it, grinning, that Raka will never accept that he is a color blind. It hurts. From now on, never ask him this, right? Czacci looked a bit thoughtful and confused and said a brief Ok. I knew this was a lame excuse, but at least, i was laughing, again in my heart that it was a great rumour that i could start, and most of the times, people fell for it, and talked in a bit soft tone with Raka. I could see the sympathy in their eyes, Raka saw the love for itself- just the shift of viewpoint!

The guy was clear at heart, but heart also has an art in it, and it was naturally clear in it. It was in the second year itself that we came to know about Rakesh's caliber in sketching matches. In the graphics and visual communications class, its prof opened the sketchbook of his to find a sketch of balloon brand matches. He exclaimed Everyone come here! Pointing to Rakesh it asked what is this Rakesh? The matchbox can not be so thin, and look at the matches, they can not be cut by their shadows, Re do it!
The next class was Pandora's box, we did not know what surprise was there for us. The prof started laughing this time, for Mr. Kumar (as one of the students Nimesh once named him during one of its presentations, to ask a doubt just for revenge's sake) had drawn a Horsehead brand Matchbox, with some alien dimensions which made the box matchless, and like last time, the matches did not exist after the shadowed part of matchbox. It was stupendous to see fat prof laugh, as his tummy giggled and after scratching its beard, it said Re do!
Third time, again a matchbox appeared, this time the prof boiled to his core and said Rakesh, how did you pass the Aptitude test for architecture? Forget being an Architect, you can not even become an engineer. Although i laughed in my heart at the misery of this poor thing, but i tried showing him my empathy and criticized the prof for his discouraging attitude towards the artistic youth of India.

It was in its final year that Rakesh finally secured a job at Yasu Enterprises at Hyderabad, a software company. Flying in the corridor, it got face to face with the prof. After a mutual exchange of Hellos and Good mornings, the Prof, now the HOD of Architecture Department, exclaimed Rakesh, I heard that you joined the Software industry, after all, architecture is not all about sketches...

Did not know the HOD that Rakesh, while designing a Windows window at Yasu, would choose a color combination of Blue and Brown, with big bold letters, making its boss squeak with horror as he would see its computer screen.

Raka felt great, not that it had avenged its humiliation in the second year, but because it was going to a field which was its favourite...