I always was fascinated with Rebels. Those who wanted to change the society for good impressed me from my childhood. I too wanted to be such an editor of society, the one who was born to be an axis of this unbalanced world. Truly speaking, it always fascinated me to work out the off beat, something which was true but was usually not done by the society. It gave me the pleasure of seeing the amused faces gawking. It almst satisfied my ego that i really was born to accomplish the extraordinary. Out of the way things fascinated me. They seemed too luscious to leave. I was impressed by those who did not care for their lives for some cause which later proved to be the axis of change in the human gigalopolis. The fame and the respect they commanded from the race was fascinating. I felt it great seeing them talked about like heroes, they were heroes of their times and now the golden glory was mixed in their names made them glitter before me.I usually thought of myself in their shoes, myself fighting against the Raj, on the horseback, or fighting against the kabaylis trespassing across the border. I wondered if time would present before me an opportunity to prove myself a hero in front of people, the lesser mortals who will remember me as the great one who did some major change in the current system, and it was because of my greatness, had i not appeared on the picture, many generations would then, had to bear the old rusty ideas. And i wanted all this on the cost of my life. Think of it! I, a martyr, a great man, and an idol!! What a glamor it would be! people recalling me as someone who had the power to bring about a change. So i looked for opportunities when i would have to donate my life for the welfare of humankind, but alas! such a situation never appeared, and what i was left with was a simple situation which never demanded anything great!! It demanded petty things like my concentration and all, things like homeworks, helping out mom in her chores, and some computer stuff. I never liked any of these petty works, i wanted to do something big! Where was that something big in these everyday things? These things certainly never needed my attention as i being some avatar of some holy soul (if not god) was meant to accomplish some goal much above the knowledge of earthly souls. I really thought i was the one to bring about the change.
years passed and i kept on moving with life trying to find that "Big" opportunity which will turn me into a hero, ignoring the fact that i had been failing in small things. And this ignorance made my attitude a bit sloppy. I realised that when i failed for the second time in JEE. It was not my knowledge, but my attitude which cost me dearly in the exam. I overcame that limitation to appear in that exam fr the third time when i competed in pretty adverse conditions, conditions much harsh than what were earlier.
I then realised that when i wanted to take risk of my life, it was not because of bravery, but because of cowardice, for i did not want to live after the sacrifice, because it had already dawned upon me that life would be too harsh to live and sacrifices leave you in pain and trouble. I the nrealised that responsible nature towards every task make us stronger and gives us support. Its the great feeling which matters while doing the task, not the task. And of course suicide is not one of the tasks. It may be projected as a glamorous action, but it is not! It needs bravery to commit suicide, but it takes a lot more bravery to stay alive and fight the situation by facing it. I'm proud that i'm alive today, for, had i not been alive, i had not been proud, and this is my deal with death that i'll sacrifice and live to see the sacrifice work wonders.