Thursday, October 20, 2005

Something Not Hard To conquer

Many a time one of my friend (he who must not be named) tells me that i resemble my professor in my way of speaking and nature. It is something which many people have noticed. I have been told by many people that i behave in a way too weird, too simple, too cheeky, or perhaps too saintly.
Not only in the speech but i accept i try to copy his mannerism and the style to lead a life, a life simple and without any complex, guilt remorse and stress. It is something which is remarkable about him, his Godliness, no, Humanity and Humility. He is considered a human by all, not a God like me. Sometimes i feel my Godliness frail in front of his gentle humane behaviour.
It has been my dream to simplify myself to the extent that more or less i am ecstatic. I reckoned that to attain a state of anand, i need to conquer my weakness, ego or I, the anger, and host of other shortcomings like my dishonesty towards the given task. i could very well calculate that these were the key traits which made me very different from my professor. He once told me kyon kisi ko pareshan karna? Never hurt others, what is the point of doing it? Yes sir, you are very right, i agreed with him. I have been trying since then not to hurt others, mostly my success has been my reward, and my weaknesses have subsided, as a bonus. Hitherto, i had been thinking this.
I thought that i was being simply simple, and my life was getting strong until today, while sitting on my chair, it struck me what game my mind was playing with me all the time! I believed that i was being modest, or atleast, i was assured by many different people that i am modest The question is Am i being modest? or am i just projecting myself modest?
A month ago, i was approached by a girl who found my profile (which is full of non-sensical gibberish) interesting. She thought it was a creation of some extraordinary brain. Though i showed her that i was just-any- other- guy, but i have to accept i was jumping inside with joy! it was unbelieveable that i could impress a girl with my stupidity! Yeah! When i told my aforementioned friend, he was slightly taken aback. What! mazaak kar raha hai kya!! (tell me when you are finished joking, i'll start laughing then!!).
The girl (she who must not be named) found my ideas weird! To top that,she also found me modest!! And how did I prove myself ingenious? It was just a simple trick made by me, out of what wsa taught to me by my prof Never ever let them feel how much you had to toil for the job! just tell them it was in a fluke!Then sit back and watch the fun!! I was successful in proving myself modest in front of me and my egotist self, and its time this drama has to stop, because I am now miles away from what I aimed at! I have reduced myself to just a ventriloquist, a mimicry artiste, if not more. This has become my second nature. I have been proving in front of others how genius and modest I am!
This is the sole question which has been daring me straight in my eyes, and i am fraidy of this question, why? because the answer hurts my ego that i am an egotist who satisfies himself by showing himself as a modest and a simple looking person! It is the truth! Even in my other blogs I used to write I in small letters to suggest myself that I was being modest! Perhaps this subtle difference of mine from my prof has led me astray. I know I'll conquer it now, when I know I have accepted the truth, after all, it's not too hard to attain simplicity, and conquer ego, i suspect.