Saturday, May 06, 2006

To Tag an Animal- Part 2 of 1: A Dry Man Professes

Yes dear sirs and dear madams, it indeed is part 2 of 1, because i intended to write just part 1 and not this part, but it seems my lovable neighbour Mr. Psycho dude wanted me to quench his esteem as well, so i'm here for yet another Tag bashing. I still maintain, which i accepted in my last post that such petty games (except for games involving some duet number/ running around trees) do not interest me, but seems as if i have some choice left! I am a slave of two kind of people: #1. those who are my friends and are humans/ humanoids (in english we refer to them as "He/She") and #2. Some objects like my computer and some animals like a mainah bird who always insists i complete my sleep in just half an hour at half past five in the morning (English allows them to be refered as "It"). Mr. Psycho Dude falls in the former category, and whence insists that i divulge what is my choice of a perfect lover. So here we go:

Disclaimer: Most of the information and people/ animals/ viruses here are fictitious, and any resemblance/ sitings to real people/ animals/ objects must be termed "strictly schizophrenic hallucinations".
Criterions for being My Perfect Lover (reading Viruses in lieu of lover will also do):

  1. She (It) should be a treat to talk about! I should be able to brag about her (it) in my friend circle.
  2. She (my dewdrop) should be interested in computers, and It (the Virus) should be interested in girls (this filters about 99.999% girls and 100% computer viruses).
  3. She should be be strong willed and independent, it should be strong rooted (you know what i mean) and highly independent.
  4. She should be cool minded to counter my (sometimes)random mood swings, and it should be hot enough to handle mood swings of my virus catcher desi- program (this program sometimes hunts a few viruses down, and sometimes lets them screw my system, a nutty thing this!).
  5. She should have have a nice, sweet personality and a positive outlook towards life, and It should be nice, sweet pictured and positive messaged (I loath the irritating ones (viruses) like "Oh my god! Someone killed the chinese hacker!!" which keep on popping up the obituary if some chinese hacker and (girls) like "Oh my god! Shooo shweeeeeetttt na!!" i feel like kicking their asses!!)
  6. Both must understand my weird passions and liking/ files in life/ comp, which I may/may not share.
  7. It should love me more than anything in this world, and she, less than anything in this world (so that leaving her after a fortnight is not an issue).

May God find my match (Batch file) soon!

Thursday, May 04, 2006

We- a Rebel

A dad in a bollywoodian flick is bound to be flawy in the beginning, and a minister, bound to be shot dead at the end! I noticed it right from the first minister- chhap film i saw it was Akhree Raasta, but being the youngest in my family, i had no one to look up to! I later convinced myself that ministers are supposed to be immoral and/ or amorous and they are aptly shot in the middle/ end of the movie. Sometimes i used to enjoy when Sadashiv Amrapurkar's or our great "mogambo" Amrish Puri's body rolled on the floor weighing double with the lead punched in them by heroes almost equal to their weights.
Yes, portraying ministers as diabolic creatures and then killing them has been a norm in bollywood, call it a great deed if u wish. The hero is always right when he kills a minister, and he needs not be justified for his oh- so- heroic deed. Why r they not justified? Just now, my neighbour pointed that Pramod Mahajan Died, did it make any dx difference in our lives? There is a clean answer NO. Crystal clear. He was shot by his agitated brother who always had some revolver tucked in his pyjama (reminds me of Hindustani version of Clint eastwood!). Rang de Basnati Fans, sorry to poke you people, that till now you all were enigmatic about the idea of killing a poor (!) minister soul, but see, what has changed? nothing, who has changed? nothing and will anything change? You know the answer very well...
Nayak had Anil Kapoor trapped Amrish Puri and had him killed. Akhree rasta ended with Amitabh Bachchan killing Sadashiv Amrapurkar to avenge the death of his wife Jaya Prada.
It is the perennial problem of Bollywood that they always tend to romanticise any concept, let it be politics, war, love or a game. This is what a film like Rang De Basanti did. It converted even bunking classes to candy floss, and my generation swayed in unison with the song "Be a Rebel". I have two left feet, so i could not dance with them, but i tried to croon. But i could not sing, for, i need some lyrics to sing. Listen carefully to the lyrics, and i promise, this song will fade quickly. I may sound cocky, and the people may pelt stones at me for this, but then, i don't find the lyrics appropriate. It talks about the loser attitude of people, that bunking classes is all correct, and why? because the main protagonist wants to! So just to justify him, his friends sing this song, and did i forget the stanzas! They r indeed forgettable, soulless, cold and meaningless for a dud like me.
Comparing the whole issue of assassinating a minister equivalent to Bhagat Singh's Parliament- Bombing- Action was at best, childish. C'mon Mr. Rakeysh Mehra, you want me to accept this absurdity! It's like accepting paradoxes in mathematics as we started from a=b and ended on 1=2! I'd say Ha Ha Ha; loud and clear.
The question hence i want to raise is what is achieved by killing a poor minister? If you want to be a rebel, try to change yourself. If we all improve ourselves, we will be a rebel. I liked Yuva in this regard, it had the idea in it (The last reel where we find Ajay Devgan and Vivek Oberoy sitting in House, determined to change the system), similar to what i have reckoned till now. If we do not change our thinking patterns, killing a minister will never solve our problems, only the faces will change, nothing else, and faces are the last things on our minds to change.
I say, Rang De Basnati was too immature, and so was Akhree Raasta, and its likes. I am not impressed by Rang De Basanti, nor i'm happy with the news of death of a Minister.
It's We- A rebel that quenches me.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Comfortably Dumb

Whoever said silence is golden, was right, if asked for my vote, i'll surely raise both my hands in his favour, in fact owing to my bihari roots, i'll just go and loot the booth! It is not that i'm dumb, but this is too far fetched that even while typing this article a few windows on my monitor popped up.
  • Please pass this on to as many people as you can... There is a girl/ boy who is 10 (most preferably in single digit) who has been suffering from kokakolapeptic disease which has been found in 6 (preferably some integer number not divisible by 5) people in the whole universe/world (mind you, any domain less than world is a compromise). Yahoo/ Google/ Microsoft/ Intel/ Sun/ Mac/ IBM/ Lenovo/ Hewlett- Packard/ Casio/ Any other biggie has promised to track this mail, and have agreed to pay 3 cents per forward. And of course, the parents are poor. To avail the facility of Net, they have to be in some advanced country, and it seems that though the fifth of the world lives in China and sixth part of world resides in India, it is the rest half of the world's abode is America, so i never knew America too had such needy people (no taunts meant). To make it convincing, the add a cutee cutee picture of a small baby, so that your girlfriend can say awwww, it's so nice na! let's pass this message to RoW (rest of the world). To assure successes with those, who do not have girlfriend but are sentimental, there is also a punchline If you don't pass this message, you don't have heart!
  • Poke Your nose: The emails can always be tracked. In fact it was used during the cold wars. But to track an email, the costs are so high that Yahoo!/ Microsoft/ Sun/ whatever would find it easier to finance the patient than pushing their valuable time in such things as tracking and all. Moreover, what has my heart got to do with the passing of email? Forwarding has just reduced the bandwidth for useful purposes, nothing else. How is it that Yahoo! agreed on such things? if it is, i'm the most needy of all, do let me know!
  • Today is World Friendship/ lovers/ Hateship/ Relationship/ Best friends/ Brother/ Sister/ Master/ Slave/ Pet/ Husband/ Wife /Tutor/ Student/ Whatever day! Please pass this to as many peaople as you can, and by midnight, your true love will recognise how much they love you! if u ignore this message, you will have a spell of misfortune for next 10 years.
  • Poke Your nose: This word today has been appearing on my window for an aeon now! i never knew that we have to remember the above on that particular date, or else won't they listen? moreover, my fortune teller told me that i'll be having a wonderful fate for my next 14 years during the Mahadasha of Saturn! I have been wondering from my childhood, how is it that all things in the world like some witch turning a prince into a frog, or vice versa, or, say the vampire coming to suck remaining blood of yours (after the prof/ boss had his/ her rightful share), or, this, that your true love will call at midnight! As if all of a sudden a bulb will glow in brain and then she/ he will recognise me Ohhh! I now realise your true love, as you have forwarded this message to 117 people in 15 seconds! What crap!!
  • Enough of prose, there are some messages which are in form of poetry. I don't remember any, but i'll try my best to construct an example:

Sky is blue, stars are yellow,

My Love is so mellow

Send this to ten people in 5 seconds. If you get 3 then you are the most loved person! And don't forget to send it to me, i'm waiting...

  • Poke Your nose: Keep waiting, i won't spam anyone, i'll certainly won't forget to send this to you 15 times!
  • There are some devotional Spams as well, for god fearing Goody boys/ girls of the almighty fan club. It goes something like this:

This is one of the two actual photographs of Tirupati Balaji/
Siddhivinayak/ Amarnath/ Nathula pass/ Chhajju Kirana Store/ Whatever/ Whoever.
And this auspicious photo should not remain in your mail box for more than 2
minutes, please pass this on to as many people as you can, and something good
will happen to you tonight at 12:00.

If you pass this to

  • 2-5 people: You will get an eclairs from god's own factory.
  • 6-10 people: You will get a Bicycle.
  • 11 or more: You will get a month's free ration.
  • Poke Your nose: I'm a nonbeliever of almighty. As if apart from Yahoo!/ etcetra, god is also jobless these days that he, leaving all the jobs, is tracing this all impotant email! Seems like he also has business ties with Santa Claus Inc.

These days, my cellphone keeps ringing and i do not pick it up. most of the times, either my Network Provider tries to sell me it's new ringtone, or some BPO of it trying to sell me it's love poems/ wallpapers of gods/ actors/ naughty jokes/ serious jokes/ Bull**** / whatever.

It is a solemn request, please do not forward messages- it is the creator who always has a hearty laugh hogging in his chair, and the faint irritating gasp of someone at the recieving end- not to mention that it eats the useful bandwidth of your network!

Think, if you don't forward it you have no heart- what if you forward it? Then you have no Brain! Think about it friends, it causes irritation to people like me to see windows popping up every odd minute.

These lines echo in my ears: water water everywhere, not even a drop to drink...

To Tag An Animal

It was my silent wish that someone tag me, i don't know, but this is some created demand to tag and be tagged, and lo! two people simultaneously tagged me. An anti- social that i am, i have to see if i can tag 7 or 8 prey who blog! I find it necessary to mention here that most of my friends do not blog, as a matter of fact, people close to me hate to read blog. I guess it is my blog to which they are allergic. I had a big doubt about tagging, i knew it was a hot thing in the picture, but as obsolete i am, i thought of asking my school junior if she knew anything about tagging, and she too turned out to be a non blogger! i thus turned to the people who tagged me, viz Sush girl and Psycho boy. One needs to be trendy, one has to be a copy cat! i found two completely differnet versions of tagging, and i'm trying my junglee best to answer impromptu to the questionnaire of Sush dudette. Yes Psycho buddy- i have even more obscure funda about girls, so it's better i do not use your template, i may not be able to write more than 1 point!
sometimes the trends seem to be crazy and childish enough- but then tht's how trends are supposed to be! I haven't seen sobreity being the trend of Paris/ Milan/ London/ IIT Kharagpur/ Arkham/ All other mental Asylums.

It's going to be a simple questionnaire, i was told, so i started with it:

  1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn on page 18 and find line 4.After end semesters, i suddenly become the illiterati...
  2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. and what good will that do to humanity? Let's apply the Gandhian Talisman (source any: NCERT book, what i never understood is that what will happen if we applied it to our exams!). For those who do not know, just have some patience, and i can clarify it.I Imagined the poorest person i have ever seen, that's my friend Cha Chi (pronounced as chaa' chee) . Now if i Stretch my left hand, then it will directly enter into his plate's domain, and his dessert Rasgulla will be in my pocket (for later consumption). So there is nothinbg he will gain, i agree, it'll be for his own good health. Moreover, i do not use deo, so it will be a further atrocity on that poor soul. So i conclude, it's better that i do not stretch my left hand!
  3. What is the last thing you watched on TV?Kahani Grrr Grrrr Ki!
  4. Without looking, guess what time it is?What difference does it make, as long as you find urself on bed till 1 o' clock in afternoon!
  5. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
    Anything as long it is not my girl(dog)friend's voice
  6. When did you last step outside? What were you doing?
    When i went to take exam, i was conferencing with my friend about the possibility of my answer being correct, and his being wrong!
  7. Before you started this survey, what did you look at?
    My monitor which has a wallpaper in which Photobucket - Video and Image HostingPrabhu ji is kicking asses of some "bigtime" monsters.
  8. What are you wearing?
    i believe in natural dresses, These days, it's the banana leaves.
  9. Did you dream last night?
    I dreamt that Prabhu ji came and asked me my secret wish, and he granted it in a flash!
  10. When did you last laugh?
    I'm hysterical about laughter.
  11. What is on the walls of the room you are in?
    A few chamelions, a pet cockroach- i'm fattening it, and will eat it some fine day, a few spiders here and there- they so beautiful, and their cobwebs dangling.
  12. Seen anything weird lately?
    Yes, and i'm going to write a movie review on it soon. It's a hindi movie "Dil ka kya kasoor" (What's the point of blaming heart!)
  13. What is the last film u saw?
    Gunda, followed by Chingari (Gunda is more like Bournvita, makes me strong to fight everyday evils.)
  14. If you became a multimillionaire overnight, what would you buy?
    i'd love to buy some clothes for the needy people, most of which are our heroines, this is one of the messages of Gunda.
  15. Tell me something about you that I dunno?
    That i do not wear underwear (call it lewd if u wish, but i ask you, did u know it? don't answer in a yes!)
  16. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?
... Nah, It's not my cup of tea! God help me!! Sorry Sush Girl and Psycho Dude, but i'm getting impatient and restless answering such difficult and important questions as well. Don't take it personally, but I'll not be able to complete the questionnaire! You all know i'm wild, and these questions are far more civilised for me to answer...
Trust me guys, i was not made to follow the trendy elite few. I'm fashionable in my own right, and this is how i end this new impromptu article.