Friday, April 27, 2007

Exercising the Labia Oris Muscles

Indians are a breed which is tolerant anything except for- you can guess what it is from the title, my help is not needed! Gone are those days when they showed two birds feeding each other or two flowers swaying (albeit in very unnatural way, as if someone sitting below was shaking them!).

Richard Gere
could be sentenced jail for kissing a Shetty Woman. This lady too has a sad story. First someone kicks her, then someone kisses her and court finds courtly kiss in country an offense. The judge along with two other advocates found this incident obscene:
The magistrate, Dinesh Gupta, reacting to a private complaint filed by advocate Poonam Chand Bhandari, watched a CD of an AIDS awareness function in Delhi at which Gere hugged and gave Shilpa a peck, as shown by a TV channel, to pronounce that the act was "sexually erotic" and "indecent". [read further for entertainment]
Says advocate Ramautar Gupta:
"It is all indecency and nudity which our society cannot tolerate."
It Sounds as if Shakespeare was reborn in Afghanistan of 90's. Says one comrade who has a taste for saffron and a distaste for all things which sound feminine "Only humans (in an Agent Smith-ian manner) kiss, have you seen animals pecking? No! Only Humans do this indecent act. And we want all the people of this holy land to abolish this age old malpractice. You see, it was all started by Geeks." "You mean people who kiss are nerds?" "Yes they are! But i was talking about about the citizens of some European country. Yeh Desh Kissanon ka hai- yahan aisa kissa nahin chalega! Think of the situation when everyone starts kissing, no one would do any work!"

One of the most eminent actors and pecking experts of our local Hollywood of India, Emran Kissme has this to say "I wish Richard all the best. He did the right thing by Kissing and running out of the country. He should go to some country which does not have an extradition treaty with India. You see, this is why all my pecking scenes are shot in foreign countries, and i do it only if the script (which is at most as lengthy as an A5 sheet) demands, or the director demands, or even if the heroine demands. There is a catch though, that the duration of proper kissing should not be less than 5 minutes and there should be a nice sound as if someone is rubbing balloons. Richard should have consulted me before doing this. Had he done that, the judge would not have to see the scene unnecessarily made long by the media by repeating the same frame again and again."

The actress Muli-ka Sharbat was not at all amused by this controversy. The actress of film Khwahish (the film with 17 kisses, which made me believe that Hazaron Khwaishein Aisi had 1000 times more kisses) explains why she was never summoned by the court "It is because of the wooden expression i throw when kissing that the scene doesn't look erotic at all! An expressive face could have landed in trouble, as has this." It was a short and subtle reply. A hero kissing such a girl could be easily mistaken for a woodpecker, or if he is expressive enough, then he would be mistaken as a conservationist juxtaposing his
labia oris muscles to a tree and the law of the land does not stop animals from pecking, or humans kissing the trees. I am loving it as some newspaper puts this news above "India becomes trillion dollar economy". This entertainment cannot be pirated!

Monday, April 23, 2007

Gone-s and Morose-s

This article may seem harsh, but this is what i find neutral, without any biases.
pity the loner who killed 32 and injured another 29 before killing himself. He reminded me faintly of a movie Runaway Jury. This movie was closely linked to another killing which took place in US a few years ago. The easy access to ammunitions and arms in US are the reasons some may point. Some hate the sick men (called shooters in both the cases) and some may shed a tear for those who died saving the kids in Virginia Tech. From the Neutral view point, it was more of a frustration which led Cho to this macabre state.

It is a debatable issue, that who was more wrong- the society who forged Cho into a shooter (and subesquently, a shame for his country, and his family) or Cho, who killed and injured 61 innocent lives.

It is akin a feedback amplifier. The output itself is the input. Why is there a hue and cry over it, when there was no control over the various stimuli which went into making Cho a deadly disaster?
"In high school, Cho Seung-Hui almost never opened his mouth. When he finally did, his classmates laughed, pointed at him and said: “Go back to China.”"
It's ridiculous that his classmates did not even care to know which country did he belonged to.

Wikipedia mentions that Cho was mistreated and was mocked by his friends when he tried to speak. He was told . To make someone unsocial is a making him mentally weak. The society shot bindfolded and Cho was hurt, and now Cho shot randomly, and 61 were affected. And when he finally blurted out his 1800 word manifesto, everyone had to hear. This music was written by the society, and the society has to face it.

And how could a commoner like Cho buy guns? This is the point which people forget. Is not it a responsibility of gun manufacturing companies to sell their products in more responsible manner? A gun doesn't have any other use, like toilet cleaning, that even a high school student might need it.

I read in a news paper that there were some phishing sites which were minting money by falsely portraying themselves as relief funds for this Virginia tech shooting case. Someone gives free access to guns, like Reliance gave mobiles to so many Indians, and some parasites use this graphic incidence to make money. Then why point all the fingers to the soul who died? They too must share his slander.

Society has a weak memory. It is a point which society will forget. This incidence will definitely become a wiki in Wikipedia.

My condolences for the grieved families who are gone forever. I sympathise for the family of Cho who had to bear the demise of their dear one with disgrace.

10C, Miss Haldar and Aao Scandal

This happened in hindi class, in my 10th std.

It was Madam Haldar who used to teach hindi to us. She had a voice shrill like parrot and she was known good for her ability to apply flimsy dialogues in their most appropriate context.

It was in the section A that someone asked her permission before entering her class and she said "aao". Soon enough, the guys caught the funny part of AAO and started reciting it like people do in Poojas, reciting the names 108 times. This new mantra percolated in our section of 10 C.There was this guy Pankaj, who after having a good experience of std 7th for three years had joined us and decided to stick with us till matriculation. He decided to take this uranium and convert it into nuke....

That eventful day, just after short break was madam's class, and Pankaj and his gang planned the whole logistics of the war. The chalked AAO everywhere, the teachers desk, the chair, the blackboard, all the front benches and filled wherever they could find the blanks with due sincerity. I, as usual was a mute witness to this drama, and was imagining what was going to come, and suddenly pankaj came to me. "tu yeh madam ko dikhayega. Agar nahin dikhaya to dekh lena chhutti mein!". It was a predicament before me. If i speak up, then it was me who was going to be in soup, and if i do not, then i was in deep water, and i had to think of something in less than 5 minutes. As the madam came, everyone stood up. The words "chhutti mein dekh lena" were echoing inside me... Just then i blurted out "Madam, do you have a duster, so that i may clean the board, in case if u want to write down the title..." the words were dying as "Miss" Haldar began turning towards the board, and the 57 pairs of eyes were twinkling in an anticipation of what was going to come...

Pankaj and his henchmen were sitting in some cool corner of 10C while haldar was shouting at the top of her voice, and when she saw that her threats were falling on deaf ears, she decided to take a harsh step. "Miss" Haldar called the then vice principal Fr. T M Joseph, whose office was next to our class. He followed Miss Haldar to help the damsel in distress. She told him “Dekhiye father kya likha hai!” Then she remembered that father TM could not read hindi, so she completed her own sentence “Aao, aur jane kya kya!” She did not want a roaring laughter to spoil the sympathetic attention that she had obtained from TM.

I don’t know if TM could understand the whole issue or not, but he croaked with a nasal twang (like a singer whose name sounds like mine) “Sooon heen ins the onnne!” I was feeling like Neo! And madame said “No sir! He helped me out, he is a good boy!!” Yes! I was saved. TM continued “If you people won’t tell, then you all will be suspended” Still no one budged. Who would have wanted to study when there was such a lucrative offer! So madam said in a final tone- “It’s over 10 C. You people have broken my heart!!” Tumne mere dil pe zakhm diye hain 10C, tumse ye ummeed nahin thi! to be accurate enough.

We all went out, with a great smile on our faces, thanking pankaj that he saved the day, atleast for handball, basky or TT.

In the later half, 8th period, madam called us in the class. No one was interested to hear anything emotional, and seeing this, madam asked “By the way 10C, what is Damdami Maai?” Damdami Maai kya hota hai? One guy stood up and said “Miss, Chandrakanta mein jo Kalpana Iyer bani thi!!” the whole class burst out laughing, imagining the make up of Kalpana Iyer, with tonnes of Kajal laden eyes, weird colors smeared on the face and masculine voice shouting some mumbo jumbo! Just then pankaj stood shouting “arre jhooth mat bol, miss woh raja film mein madhuri jo bani thi na, wohi hai!!” Stop lying you! There was this role Madhuri did in Raja, this is what we tried to look into you! Whatever it was, damdami maai was a witch doctor, in both of these movies, and it was fun watching madam’s grim face!

Just then the bell rang and all the guys sang thaaaank youuuuu meeeees and ran away, except for me and gaurav. Gaurav used this opportunity to consolidate his position (or may be that he empathized with madam, I don’t know), and gave her a torn piece of paper in which he had written an apology on behalf of the whole 10C and I moved slowly, watching Haldar madam correcting that apology letter “Ufff! Badi ee ki jagah chhoti ee honi chahiye…. Yeh hua hraswa oo…