Friday, August 24, 2007
I still remember that day when i had gone to Patna, my hometown, to meet my parents. It was then Farhan Akhtar's Don was released and I had planned to give it a try as a timepass. After reaching the institute where mom worked, i realised it was too early to accompany her back to home, as it was just quarter to three post meridian. So i was wondering what to do, when it struck me that if i somehow managed a rickshaw, i could go to a nearby hall to watch the movie, which looked promising, and anyways, mom could go back by herself if i was late enough. Having explained this to my conscience, i got a rickshaw and reached there.
Veena movie theatre is a busy area, a hub of all second-hand-book-lover's paradise, movie fanatics like me and the rest of the disorder was caused by the autorickshaws who were maneuvering around to trap more passengers from the exodus of the show which was just over.
Today was the first day of Don and it seemed to be going houseful with very big crowd in front of the gate. It is unnatural for the people here to be disciplined enough to form a queue (and respect the one which is formed), but this crowd was way too big. Almost when i paid the rickshaw, i turned to see the crowd move away and a person emerging from it, badly bruised. As soon as he emerged, he started shouting "10 wala 40 mein" (meaning tickets worth 10 in 40 now). He was peddling the tickets at a higher rate, he was a blackey. I reached him, out of sheer sympathy that he had to do this thing even after being severely beaten by the crowd.
After some 5 minutes of aggressive bargaining, he sold me the tickets in 20 only. I was happy to buy the tickets at a price double the actual. I read once
"The glass is half empty, it could be said that it is half full too."
"Two people look out of window, one sees the mud, the other sees the stars"
Combining these two sentences, i was prilog-ically happy that i got the tickets at half the price, who cared if it was actually double the price.
As soon as i started scrutinising the tickets, i could see that beaten shadow move away from me as if he was slipping by. I smelled something fishy in his behaviour, stopped my scrutiny and shouted "oye ruk!" and he started running away from me. I lunged after him and so did the crowd which had again gathered to bash him up.
Left to the crowd to bash him up, i was again scrutinising the whole thing again, and found that the date was wrong, 26th it was. I was happy to see him thrashed for his misdeed, my heart felt pure and pious now. I asked someone standing beside me the date, and he said 26th.
As if i was thrown back to the ground from the air, i felt pain and pity for the poor soul who was being bashed.
To nihilate that emotion, i silently entered into the hall to watch Don.
Friday, August 10, 2007
Ramu was in a dilemma, one was external- the rival tribes were always perpetrating his people, killing the female population as they were vulnerable and easily lured into an ambush, and his strategy fell flat on ground. The other problem was internal. It was something related to human nature of satan worshipping...
Idle brain is a devil's symposium, wise men said in the tribe, and ramu believed it. The way the women were jealous and kept on trying to slander each other to get his favour irritated him. He wanted to come home and relax after running before cattle everyday. And what he got was complaints that how someone wanted to split the milk which someone kept for him, and this definitely pointed that someone wanted to slander the impression. Ramu was almost program to get alarmed by the sign of danger and get started in the fighting mode. But the other party did not want him to take actions, instead, she expected him to sit and listen to her, which in his dictionary, was, at best, boring, if said politely.
Ramu noticed that he did not get the daily dose with the dinner when he came back, he noticed that the girl was too busy playing with the "medal". He called her Mau, and his Mau was busy looking at the "necklace" which he gave her yesternight.
For a man who was a free boy years ago, when he used to jump on elephants and play with other primates, thinking that they were kids of his kind, it was suddenly a vacuum. Ramu did not get his food, the deer was barbecued today, and it was to be served with honey, but Mau was in some other world.
Looking at the opportunity, he was served by Kau, the female humanoid, who had a brush with Mau yesterday. Kau in a complaining tone said Mau has been busy all day showing it to us, and madam hence excused herself for not doing any chore. I pitied that your son was playing in the afternoon sun, so i made him sleep, though he wanted to jump with your canine.
It was followed by more of some redundant issues like motherhood, mother-in-law's-hood, and neighbourhood, which sounded silly, because it was something else going in Ramu's mind. If Mau could be busy with the "thing" all day, so could be all of the ladies. now that he knew the source of such stones, so he had some special knowledge which he could use that to his own benefit.
Ramu then almost made it his rule that whenever he was pleased with some female animal, he would give her an ore to ornate herself, while the same ore was melted and used by his gang to counter the invading tribes. The days were passing by and Ramu was happily living. The only problem was for his neighbours and other males who did not have that "thing". They were having a tough time explaining their wives and partners that they really did not know about what "thing" was it.
The bolt struck Ramu when someone found a small nugget which shone brilliantly and it was more yellow and had a peculiar lustre, and now he was left with demanding wives who were busy comparing their weighty ores with that small nugget. The weapon which he tried to use for his peace turned out to be a hornet's nest which he had stirred.
Ramu could foresee the future: The women then, as opposed to their vocal tendency, decided to call that thing as ornament. With this word the world progressed into an age which had weapons of mass distraction, which could first attract some of the earthlings and then, those some earthlings could kill their partners for it, just like orkut.
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
(to be continued)
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Graham Bell was busy in some experiment regarding sound transmission using electrical wires. He was going to be a great scientist in the future [which of course he did not know] and he had to live upto the mark of developing something path breaking. Suddenly, he heard a crackle from a distant loudspeaker which made him believe he had developed the machine to transfer noise [sound] to some other place. Graham: Hey you! What's your name- Ramu [let's call his assistant Ramu]! Come here and speak something in the microphone! Voila!! I Did it!!!
Ramu: Did what sir?
Graham: I just invented the machine which would change the world in future. It would make the place into the annals, and it would be succeeded by Mobiles. By mass manufacturing this, Someone in India would coin the sentence "Kar lo duniya mutthi mein". Now don't waste the time, and speak into the microphone, when i tell you to do so. (Ramu speaks and is a bit confused)
Graham Bell: Voila! It works, eureka!! I did it, It's wonder...
Ramu: Sir, i have a doubt. Since i was standing so near to you, that's why you could tell me to pick up the phone and speak into it....
Graham: So, what's so complicated in it, Ramu that you could not fathom. Pray, continue.
Ramu: Sir, as i was standing near to it, and i could hear you, you could convey the message directly by speaking, and if i were far off, then i could not hear you in the first place to pick up the receiver. Sir, this machine is useless in that case!
(Graham the Great thinks and racks his brain)
Graham: Okay Ramu, I believe i can make use of my surname and add a bell to the telephone so that it would ring and it would attract attention that someone would like to hear your voice. Brilliant! Fantastic!! Ain't I great!
Ramu: Sir, pray if someone didn't hear the bell? I don't think this machine will ever click in the market!
Graham: In future, there would be computers in every home, and they would have Orkut, which would be a thing to scrap people. When my machine would be there, what is the need to write a scrap to people, only to get a reply after half an hour! If it were Yahoo! Messenger, it would have been realtime, or the Google mail, then it would be an e- mail all right! But you see, the scraps were completely not needed. But you would see how the world would invent the use of Orkut, and make it so popular that 55 million people would join it's network. Henceforth naive Ramu, I leave the world to find a good use to this machine, which would become giant in the coming decades.
Saturday, June 02, 2007
dabba bandi (6/2/2007 12:00:14 AM): PRESENTATION DRWG
Koushik Choudhury (6/2/2007 12:00:42 AM): and u went aware that he submission was tomorrow?
Koushik Choudhury (6/2/2007 12:01:37 AM): weren't
dabba bandi (6/2/2007 12:04:03 AM): NOT REALLY
dabba bandi (6/2/2007 12:04:28 AM): GOT TTHE WRK TODAY
Koushik Choudhury (6/2/2007 12:04:33 AM): NOT REALLLY?..thst vague..
Koushik Choudhury (6/2/2007 12:04:40 AM): u either knew it or u dint
Koushik Choudhury (6/2/2007 12:04:45 AM): oooooooo
Koushik Choudhury (6/2/2007 12:05:44 AM): khair...11th hr work to college mein chalta hai, yahan OFFICE MEIN BHI HOTA HAI,..bhagwan rakhsa kare,,,
Koushik Choudhury (6/2/2007 12:08:02 AM): Khair, tum kaam karo...haan,ek suggestion, agar kisi aur din KABHI eise DITCH MARNA hoo (kisi ko bhi..) to KINDLY OFFICE phone se ya phone booth se atleast ek call kar dena. ..RS 1 mein ho jaega.max RS 2
dabba bandi (6/2/2007 12:08:26 AM): K
dabba bandi (6/2/2007 12:08:34 AM): BYEEEEEEEE (orgasm unlimited)
dabba bandi (6/1/2007 10:59:55 PM): how r u?
Koushik Choudhury (6/1/2007 11:00:00 PM): hey..
Koushik Choudhury (6/1/2007 11:00:20 PM): am fine. so,, whats up?
dabba bandi (6/1/2007 11:00:32 PM): nothg
dabba bandi (6/1/2007 11:00:34 PM): wrking
dabba bandi (6/1/2007 11:00:35 PM): hey
dabba bandi (6/1/2007 11:00:41 PM): prob cnt mak it tomorrow
Koushik Choudhury (6/1/2007 11:00:52 PM): shittttttttttt (for extra pleasure read this in orgasmic manner)
Koushik Choudhury (6/1/2007 11:00:58 PM): seriously?
dabba bandi (6/1/2007 11:01:07 PM): have a submission tomorrow for my new office
dabba bandi (6/1/2007 11:01:10 PM): yeahhhhhhhh (for extra pleasure read this in orgasmic manner)
dabba bandi (6/1/2007 11:01:18 PM): iam trying to complete within mrng
Koushik Choudhury (6/1/2007 11:01:20 PM): and u dint inform me earlier yaar
Koushik Choudhury (6/1/2007 11:01:43 PM): hmm...what can i say..
Koushik Choudhury (6/1/2007 11:02:05 PM): well, ok..u concentrate on that then..
dabba bandi (6/1/2007 11:02:16 PM): sorry
Koushik Choudhury (6/1/2007 11:02:22 PM): dint u know abt this earlier?..or a sudden dealine?
dabba bandi (6/1/2007 11:02:22 PM): cm bk home at 10 pm
dabba bandi (6/1/2007 11:02:27 PM): from office
dabba bandi (6/1/2007 11:02:31 PM): sudden deadline
Koushik Choudhury (6/1/2007 11:02:36 PM): oooohh (for extra pleasure read this in orgasmic manner)
dabba bandi (6/1/2007 11:02:42 PM): got this freelance job today mrng
dabba bandi (6/1/2007 11:02:51 PM): my outgoing s also barred
Koushik Choudhury (6/1/2007 11:02:55 PM): CONGRATULATIONS for that
Koushik Choudhury (6/1/2007 11:03:20 PM): hmm..its ok...guess, i have to try and sell the other ticket then
dabba bandi (6/1/2007 11:03:37 PM): am sorry
dabba bandi (6/1/2007 11:03:39 PM): really
dabba bandi (6/1/2007 11:03:47 PM): will be making dfor it soon
Koushik Choudhury (6/1/2007 11:03:58 PM): dfor?
Koushik Choudhury (6/1/2007 11:04:13 PM): whhts that?
dabba bandi (6/1/2007 11:06:21 PM): for it
Koushik Choudhury (6/1/2007 11:08:47 PM): hey, its ok..its just that i got to know now na, otherwise if it wr in the evening today i cud have asked my frnds to change any plans they had
dabba bandi (6/1/2007 11:09:52 PM): SORRY
dabba bandi (6/1/2007 11:09:54 PM): REALLY
Koushik Choudhury (6/1/2007 11:10:07 PM): no issues yaar..
Koushik Choudhury (6/1/2007 11:10:16 PM): u r thesis is more important
Koushik Choudhury (6/1/2007 11:10:38 PM): guess, u must b hard pressed 4 time rite now
Koushik Choudhury (6/1/2007 11:11:01 PM): u go ahead,,will catch up with u when u r thru the submission
dabba bandi (6/1/2007 11:11:04 PM): little bit
dabba bandi (6/1/2007 11:11:12 PM): trying to earn also amidst this
Koushik Choudhury (6/1/2007 11:13:04 PM): thats indeed a worthwhile thing to do..honestly, how u mange the TUTIONS, the tHESIS, nad now the office, i am hard pressed to imagine
Koushik Choudhury (6/1/2007 11:13:29 PM): and yes..NOT TO FORGET ur 32 yr wala BEAU, amidst all this
dabba bandi (6/1/2007 11:13:31 PM): earning
Koushik Choudhury (6/1/2007 11:13:34 PM):
dabba bandi (6/1/2007 11:13:37 PM): ufffffffffffffffffffff (again, for extra pleasure read this in orgasmic manner)
Koushik Choudhury (6/1/2007 11:14:09 PM): ha ha ha ...c , atleast now u know am not angry or nething
Koushik Choudhury (6/1/2007 11:14:22 PM): but yes..DAMN HEART BROKEN...ab kya kahen..
dabba bandi (6/1/2007 11:14:41 PM):
Koushik Choudhury (6/1/2007 11:15:07 PM): well, u will have to pay back with interest my frnd for this
Koushik Choudhury (6/1/2007 11:15:35 PM): is baar to sirf EK movie fir chutti ka plan kiya tha...
Koushik Choudhury (6/1/2007 11:16:12 PM): ab INTEREST ke taur par bakayda ..jis weekend free hogi tab milna hoga
Koushik Choudhury (6/1/2007 11:16:41 PM): DEKHA bachhu..IIT ians never make a LOOSING DEAL
Koushik Choudhury (6/1/2007 11:17:11 PM): HAAR mein bhi JEET nikal hi latein hain
dabba bandi (6/1/2007 11:17:24 PM): K
Koushik Choudhury (6/1/2007 11:56:09 PM): STILL SIFTING thru OR FOUND THE RELEVANT INFO?
dabba bandi (6/1/2007 11:56:28 PM): DESIGNING
Koushik Choudhury (6/1/2007 11:59:13 PM): aah..wasnt that done..guess, after ditching me, u have ample time tomorrow to finsh it off
|after 6 minutes|
Ramu wanted to get exported to America, like other animals of his IITian breed. One way was to deport himself in the cage of smuggled baboons, while the other way out was via giving a moronic exam which promised to satisfy the various GREeds of knowledge, money, position, power and fortune of most "aliens" [this is what international highest order biped animals are termed in the United States]. Ramu being an underpriviledged malnutritioned animal did not have a credit card to pay the sum the GRE people demanded. Kau readily accepted to pay the sum and it was the time when Ramu wanted to pay back what he borrowed from Kau. They were to meet at some place in Kolkata, let's call that place Witty Center. Kau was in a bad mood, as usual. From 5:20 in the evening, he started calling Ramu every 5 minutes, snarling that why in the world was he late, as he had to reach Witty Center by 6:30, and Kau will have to miss the bus to his home, he feared. Ramu was seriously agitated, but he could not lock horns with Kau, as he was travelling towards the venue with the Bandi. Keeping his boiling lava inside him, he pacified Kau. However, on reaching the pre- decided spot, Kau was nowhere to be seen.
Ramu on phone 6:30 PM: "Kahan hai tu?"
Kau on Phone: "Office mein, gimme 5 minutes, will be there"
Ramu never knew if 360 seconds made a minute or something like that. Kau appeared at the spot after what seemed like an aeon.
Kau looked in his Best, with a skin tight XXL T- Shirt clinging to his geodesic potbelly, and hair nicely done, he donned the look of a perfect gentleman. Ramu was surprised at the new look of his best enemy.
Kau took both Ramu and Bandi [he could not leave Ramu behind, at least this is what etiquettes said] and treated them with coffees of their choice, the bill solely paid by Kau. In his golden mood, Kau was likable (at least, you should like the person who pays the bill for your costly coffee treat!). Kau was trying to impress the girl with his etiquettes, while Ramu was busy relishing his share (and Kau's share) of cold coffee. Kau was pleading "I'm so ssssssorry, it's because of him that i did not get the time to ggggroom myself.... i hope u don't mind my look. Gimme one more chance and i can present myself in my best. Please don't mmmmind"
This sentence was repeated in many different ways and said in many different human languages. Ramu was looking out of the bus window now as he had no interest in the gossip the grown ups do. Girl was busy filling in the Survey like questions of Kau, and Kau's curiosity kept him popping more doubts, and the bus was stuffy, and Ramu was happy that his money was not wasted on a waste like coffee [which he enjoys on others' cost].
The girl wanted to go to some friend's home, and Kau was eager to drop her their, despite of him getting late for his abode. The girl, however, parted and so did Ramu, leaving Kau in a cool emotional surge...
Ramu later learned that Kau and the lady were planning to go to the movie The Pirates of Caribbean. It was a night before the d'day that a chat took place between the two.
11:31 PM kau: sala
me: kya hua?
kau: kahan hai
11:32 PM me: kahe ro raha hai
kau: aabe yeh teri bandi..kya SERIOUSLY dabba HAI?
me: kya hua?
kya kia tum dono ne?
be right back
11:33 PM ab rona shuru kar wapas. am back
11:34 PM kau: kya hua...sun..gajab dhakkan bandi hai..aare, movie ke liye khud 3 din pehel haan boli thi jab poocha to...ticket kharidne ke liye boli advance, with MADAM ji ka prefered timing..aur kal raat tak haan haan hami bharti rahi..
and GUESS WHAT..
11:35 PM aaj morning ko call kiya to uthayi nahi
abhi 5 MIN pehele yahoo mein bolti hai..ki kal koi SUBMISSSION hai uske office mein it seems
so cannt come
WHAT THE HECK YAAR...
11:36 PM PIRATES ka ticket i had to book thru credit card..
kau: 220 bucks
me: she is so unprofessional
this is bad
kau: i even ditched KRITI
AND GUESS WHAT
11:37 PM abe kriti ko le jana fir
kau: KRITI WAS THE ONE ON WHOSE CREDIT CARD I BOOKED IT, ..i was supposed to go with him for PIRATES COZ HE HAD ASKED ME WAY EARLIER
me: kal pakad le
kau: I CHANGED MY PLANS ON WEDNESDAY coz of your Bandi
and now, this..
me: ohhhhh, yeh to kela ho
11:38 PM kau: aare.KRITI ke apne plans nahi kya..just think how cheap i wud appear to KRITI if i asked him now
me: this is bad yaar
saturday ko kahin submission hota hai bhala
kau: and GUESS WHAT
KRITI was so generous engh..he gave me his CREDIT CARD (coz the card has to b shown at the counter 4 confirmation..)
11:39 PM SERIOUSLY..this is way way unprofessional
me: tch tch tch
usse baat kar
kau: AND WAY TOO CHILDISH
me: phone pe
hana yaar, yeh childish thode hi hai
it is bad
kau: AGR submission HAI TO SHE MUST HAVE KNOIWN IT EARLIER NA
me: tu usse baat kar ke bol clearly ki aisa nahin karna chahiye tha
11:40 PM agar nahin jana tha to pahle bol deti
kau: forgrt it...
me: u had to bow before kriti for his credit card
kau: I CALLED up her in the evening she hadnt picked it up
atleast she shud have had the courtesy to call back
me: haan yaar
kau: she ssays ..her BALANCE wasnt there
me: tujhe load hua hai, main samajh sakta hoon
11:41 PM kau: AND GUESS WHAT
she has a POST PAID na?
me: landline to hai hi uske paas
kau: AABE..load nahi..i feel humiliated
me: haan main samajh sakta hoon
kau: NOT ONLY BECOZ OF HER..BUT BECOZ i now have to ask some collegue or kriti TO COME ALONG
11:42 PM me: bandi ko bolna ki tujhe kitni sharmindgi jhelni padi
kau: ACHA..DONNT MENTION A WORD OF THIS RETORT OF MINE TO HER
me: nahin re
kau: IF SHE HAS SENSE..she will call up
she should call u up
kau: YAHOO pe rto lecture de rahi thi ki..SHE WILL make up or something
me: shud i ask her to call u up?
11:43 PM make up matlab?> make up kar ke aayegi?
kau: aare..CHODO.infact, i rather played the whole issue down..as if her not comming wasnt of much consequence
that shud suit her
guess, she values her importance way too much or something
me: arre usko yeh to bola hota ki uske karan tujhe kitna zaleel hona pada
11:44 PM kau: HAAN WO TO BOL HI DIYA
me: kahan bola tune?
kau: aur agar call kari..ya agle baar phone pe baat hua to AIS ASUNAOONGA
me: tune to yeh show kiya ki tujhe fark nahin pada
kau: bola..ki SHE SHUD HAVE INFORMED ME BY EVENING..
AT LEAST WHEN I CALLED HER UP
11:45 PM me: kau
tu usse badla le
usse ticket khareedwa
aur mat ja
kau: CHODENGE TO NAHI
me: ekdum tit for tat badla hai
kau: jo bhi ho...SUNA KE TO CHORUNGA
me: ab aaya na tu track pe
mard ban mard
11:46 PM seene pe baal hain to usko prove kar
kau: agar sali call nahi bhi ki to hi-bye ke bahane khudcall karonga aur sala @^..KO AISA SUNAOONGA
aabe..tu kya MAZAK KE MOOD MEIN HAI?
me: nahin sale
kau: YE KYA LIKH RAHA HAI
me: tujhe tempo de raha hoon
tu bhi na
11:47 PM kau: ok..ok
me: woh nahin aayi aur tu chup chap sunta reh
me: kya bola tune?
kuchh bhi to nahin!
kau: ab to PHONE PE BOLLONGA
me: ladki ke samne shareef ban jata hai
me: kuchh nahin bol payega tu
11:48 PM kau: sala..chara maat
me: munh mein dahi jama ke baitha rahega- bandi ke aage teri aisi hi halat hoti hai
nahin to kya aarti utarun teri?
kau: hmm...nahi, kal to call karna hi karna hai..
USKI !@#$ KI TO
11:49 PM MAIN SALA KUCH ZYADA HI SARIF HOON
kaal to xsunake chorna hai
me: Bandi se main kuchh kahun ya tu handle karna pasand karega?
DONNT DO THAT..
me: to tu bolega
agar main nahin to tu
kau: SHE WILL THINK I HAVE NO BACKBONE TO HANDLE MYSELF
me: soch le
sale woh tere paas bilkul nahin hai
kau: I WILL SPEAK TO HER FIRST..
11:50 PM %$#@!
me: theek hai
kau: !@#$, KYA BOL RAHA HAI
me: dekhte hain tere munh mein se phool jharte hain ki aag
abhi yahoo pe online hia
dikha de aaj
kau: THIK HAI..BANDI SE HI SUN
11:51 PM me: okies, dekhte hain teri bahaduri- darpok!
kau: I KNOW SHE IS ONLINE
me: kal ka suraj batayega ki kya bol paya tu
11:52 PM chal koi ni
kau: YAHOO KA QUOTA OVER ho chuka , PHONE PE BATIYANGE
me: kal movie dekh aur khushi se enjoy kar
11:53 PM kau: WAISE BHI YAHOO MEIN WO SALI..3 MIN BAAD REPLY MARTI HAI
me: abe woh thesis likhti hai
isiliye 3 min bad reply karti hai
kau: pata hai
sali ko REVIT tak nahi aata
sketch-up pe phatti hai
11:54 PM aur 3D max main main exprt hoon ya nahi poochti hai
me: koi ni be
chal main nikalta hoon
me: kya ghalat poochhti hia?
tu exp[ert nahin hai kya?
kau: sone jata hoon
me: chal be
sadma laga hoaga tujhe
kau: bahut gussa dimag gghooma deta hai
me: so le thoda
11:55 PM me: good nite
kal movie enjoy kariyo
kriti ko saath le jana
This chat was followed by an ugly laughter from Ramu's side, and a silence of 17 minutes....
(to be continued)