My First Blog

Hi Nimesh

There are two parts of this mail.
The first is confession. I confess to being the kind who would never click on someone's blog link. So, I never clicked on yours as well but some things are bound to happen. Of those things, one is accidentally clicking on some link. I clicked on yours.
The first part is over.

Next is feeling sorry. I feel sorry because I had not done that earlier.
The second part is over.

Now is the most important part.
You write so well that it can cause a lazy morone like me to write a mail in appreciation. (Shall we call this part "Appreciation" ? ) The best part of your writing is logical threading and pointwise proof of your assumptions before you state the fact. Great! just simply great! I don't know how much effort you put into writing this stuff but whatever that amount may be, it is just great. Awesome! Hats off to you.

Best wishes with your writing. Please keep writing.

love and best wishes once again.
SKD

What makes me write? Is it the work, Is it the ecstacy or is it the thrill of idea? Perhaps, the mixture of all three. I never understood my own modus operandi hitherto, until when Neha, RK (who lives in Nehru Hall of residence, as aforementioned),my techno-mom (yes! she can chat and fix the P3 whenever it sulks!), and one of my batchmates, and an original thinker himself, SKD (from patel hall of residence) made me believe that i indeed wrote some sense. I was almost made to think how i think. So, introspection, is it? Answer is perhaps yes, for; this is going to be my first blog in this whole logical PriLog-ic series. This time it's about me, and myself.

More often than not, it is not easy to put oneself in another's shoes. Ask me, i'd say it is far more difficult to think like a dog/child soul trapped in this adult body. Sometimes, the dog takes over, and sometimes the child talks over something!

It is a vague expression, pretty loose, as it may be called that how do i express. It is not that i'm satisfied with this expression, certainly not. There is a way i explain things. I'll start from the start.

It's always easy for me to start from start (sometimes i do start from the middle or the end though, but not always), and then i back my statements by some logical explanation or the consequences (this always works). And yes, each of the pictures mean something related to the log, one just needs to see the pictures in a different light.

But essentially, it is the "undead" (akin to unborn) child within me who dictates the sentences. Perhaps it's why i speak up the crap, but write down the inferences. So, it is by writing, and yapping do i conserve my nearly- extinct childhood.

It is just a blog, a passing thought on my passion and pastime, and an attempt to be another while in being one's own shoes.

Meet Mr. Karna, My Neighbour

This thought has been almost latent in me for about a decade. I concieved it when a serial Mahabharat was relayed on some equally antiquated channel. It is some thought which, like many people i too had in me, a something which, when venerating The Great Manager (The GM, better known as Mr. Krishna), pinched me time and again that why on earth would he, the know-it-all, would spur someone as skilled and intelligent as Arjun to kill an equally talented Mr. Karna. It was a pity that such a nice and talented guy got murdered in such a fashion! My friend RK (Ra Ku, let's name him, who lives in Nehru Hall of Residence, despite being my hall's Namesake, RK) exclaimed. It was not the first time that i was catering to this complaint. A googol number times have i been pulled into such vortex of questions that i had almost lost interest in this field. Then why am i PriLogging this here? Perhaps i learnt something more relevant today discussing this with my friend than discussing it with people (how could i discuss it, when i was about 8 yrs old when i heard it for the first time? It was unjust for me then, to assassinate someone who was just trying to fix his broken chariot. Then i had considered it as a shameful deed, indeed, both on the part of the doer as well as his mentor!).

These days RK has again been watching that old epic and feels jubilant while discussing it. Nothing wrong with it, till the time we all are learning from it. So, as most of the time, i and RK were on foot journey to some terra incognita when he popped up that particular question in question, in his imperative tone Mahabharat is a bunch of Conmen!! a good inference for a good epic. He has his right to opinionate on anything as per his wishes. I was not surprised. I asked him the reason for his such belief. He threw the exception (yes, my english has been mechanised) Karna was killed when he was just fixing the wheel of his Chariot. The same vortex revisited. Okay, let's face it! i thought. I started my explanation like this Karna was an intelligent person, knowledgeable too, and equally talented as Arjun as far as the question of bow and arrows was concerned. It was his inferiority complex which let him down. The prime motto of his life was to satisfy his internal complex, and not to develop himself. It was his backwardness of thoughts which marred the lusture of his knowledge and manhood. He had been a warrior all his life, a good thing, but a lost warrior, whose motto was to concentrate on surroundings and people's opinion (which of course was not very good) rather than being the work itself. So he never devoted his 100 percent self to anything, as a result of which he was a failure.
It was conspicuous that RK was unable to comprehend this. I further explained to him, Take an example of JEE or any test. Suppose you are writing the answer and all of a sudden the tip of ur fountain pen gets disaligned, would you start re-aligning it, or take out another pen and start rewriting it? I winked at him. He said, smiling, I got it!! Encouraged, i said further Tell me, what were your limitations in JEE? Let's drop it! He said in a stern tone. So much for understanding the issue! I understand that such topics are not easy to fathom, and following it is certainly a big issue. Seems like RK forgot to mention about his neighbour Mr. Karna.

This Neighbour of his, has also been a neighbour of mine for quite sometime, when i failed in JEE, when i failed in my class, whenever i failed. I had been complaining through out these 5 years that society never had any high regards when i was a failure, instead, they hurled stones at me. It was something which i never expected of my relatives, the society it was then. What i forgot was that i never paid any regard to myself, then how could i expect something out of others? It was a period of depression, inferiority complex, self- abnegation and self- abasement, which was wrong on my part when i was focussing on these things, and not on the bull's eye! In the first place, the expectation from people to behave in an alleviating manner, if not expecting equality, is wrong, because then, everyone will be Maryada Purushottam (the way he responded to Shabri, the native woman). The world is not about the ideals, it is about the practicality.

Rather than looking here and there when we slip, if we get up and restart running in the race, it would be much easier to win the race, and we would be doing justice to our work. And this is what The GM said.

As far as justice towards Mr. Karna is concerned, the legend further says that The GM asked for his last wish when Karna was on his deathbed, and he asked for a place for cremation where noone had been cremated earlier. The GM searched for any such place but he could not find it on this whole earth. It was because in some civilisation or the other, a given piece of earth was used for crematory purpose. So, The GM acquired his Grand Form and cremated Mr. Karna on his palm.
What i believe is that The fire which cremated Karna was the knowledge about his own self, which released him from the pain and suffering of inferiority.

Language Binds

I read the following piece of blog somewhere (i am amnesiac, so it's a tough job remembering every detail):

Dear Jack,
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we’re apart. I can be forever happy – will you let me be yours?
Jill


Dear Jack,
I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men I yearn. For you I have no feelings whatsoever. When we’re apart I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?
Yours,
Jill

I remembered something in hindi which i learnt few years back when i was growing up, that punctuations distort the meaning of sentences, sometimes to the extent of catastrophe, such as aforementioned paragraph. The other day i and one of my friends were discussing about the scope of the popular phrase "I love thou". It is a common thing which is said, sometimes to fill up the period mostly reigned by a seemingly eternal silence, and sometimes as screensaver to ward of the monotony in a relation. My friend said, The silence sometimes says it all, without any literary help. I never thought about it, ever, and my train of thought might have been quite visible to her, as she continued, I love can never suffice for the feelings i have for u! It was a very big thing she hinted at that moment without realising it. It was something not related to love, but it was the limitations of words, which rarely fail to express the emotions to the other people, but they do fail! And i felt it not when i wanted to express myself, but when i wanted to remain silent! I had wondered that it was not that I Love which mattered to my parents o my dog, but it was my reaction to their actions which had led me to believe that i was their pet and so were they near to me. It was not a string of words which had made me feel home with them, but it was their consistent behaviour and actions across a large period of time which made me realise that. Words make our thoughts permanent, but they bind us in their limitations, for; what is a language for one is gibberish for another (otherwise we would have easily understood akkadin, had there been universal language). I never say that languages are vestigial, they are food for a relation to grow between two humans, without which any human relation will starve to death (which usually is the case). But the ultimate fodder is the nature which when fed to a relation for an aeon makes it strong, and then language is never needed to communicate, but that is when a long period is shared by two individuals, and for society, the language still binds us together.

The Revised Condition of Unconditional Love

Recently, i fell out of love, again. It was nothing surprising for me. I now have the practice of
falling in and out of love for about a year, so it did not pain the animal within me. I recently had visited to my psychiatrist. The doc recently said that i had 2 more personalities, apart from The Philosopher self, added to my multidimensionality this time, one of a dog, and a gentleman. The dog is a talking dog, while the Gentleman is a chauvinist and a practical man, the doc told me so. The Dog? what a misreable life i had! Once the dog asked me, is there anything called as unconditional love? It has been a very patent question for the dogkind. Do humans love unconditionally? A question which is browbeaten for us people too, some believe in unconditional love, while some do not! As far i'm concerned, ignorance has been a bliss for me. i have been always falling in the "don't know"/ "can't say" genre avoid the exhertion. At least i never want to be in midst of a whirlpool or a hurricane, who knows, you may land in puddle next! Henceforth, I am a slow thinker than The Philosopher, so he replied to it before I could frame my opinion. He explained to the dog about how people react to stimuli, by not wagging their tail but by returning what is called as love. Don't they lick each other? was the next in the list. By this time, the perfect gentleman was rapidly losing his patience. He was gnarling at the dog, showing his denture. An obnoxious creep, that rodent! The philosopher was explaining this beautifully to that canine all the while. Humans don't lick dear! They return the love by loving each other. So they don't love each other if they are not subjected to this stimulus? No! came a crisp reply. The dog's eyes widened to the size that of a cow. Do you too love your master if you are not given your daily food milk and share of love? I dunno, said the dog, Never thought about it! i was all concerned about my daily chores like barking on some squirrels and cats and all!! Soon a girl entered in the panorama. And the till now bored Gentleman sprang into action! He asked the same age old question to the girl. The girl without thinking for a while quipped Even when he doesn't love me, yes, i'll love him. For, someday it will change him! It was a solution which had been unknown for the philosopher hitherto. He now notced this new dimension to my persona, who was answering without any second thought to the Gentleman. He saw the girl go with the gentleman totally in awe of the girl! The girl had told the other part of the story, which completed it, and mine too!
Post Write-up: It was Told to me by my friend that the blog was a bit far fetched in subtelity, so i am compelled to write this note as an add on to the aforesaid article. Neither the girl, nor the The Philosopher part of my personality were right. It seemed to me that the girl too was wrong. Unconditional love has only one condition, the condition of unconditionality, the idea of no returns asked for. Such a love is divine and eternal, though infinite but rare to find. It is my guess, that i'm right.

Something Not Hard To conquer

Many a time one of my friend (he who must not be named) tells me that i resemble my professor in my way of speaking and nature. It is something which many people have noticed. I have been told by many people that i behave in a way too weird, too simple, too cheeky, or perhaps too saintly.

Not only in the speech but i accept i try to copy his mannerism and the style to lead a life, a life simple and without any complex, guilt remorse and stress. It is something which is remarkable about him, his Godliness, no, Humanity and Humility. He is considered a human by all, not a God like me. Sometimes i feel my Godliness frail in front of his gentle humane behaviour.

It has been my dream to simplify myself to the extent that more or less i am ecstatic. I reckoned that to attain a state of anand, i need to conquer my weakness, ego or I, the anger, and host of other shortcomings like my dishonesty towards the given task. i could very well calculate that these were the key traits which made me very different from my professor. He once told me kyon kisi ko pareshan karna? Never hurt others, what is the point of doing it? Yes sir, you are very right, i agreed with him. I have been trying since then not to hurt others, mostly my success has been my reward, and my weaknesses have subsided, as a bonus. Hitherto, i had been thinking this.

I thought that i was being simply simple, and my life was getting strong until today, while sitting on my chair, it struck me what game my mind was playing with me all the time! I believed that i was being modest, or atleast, i was assured by many different people that i am modest The question is Am i being modest? or am i just projecting myself modest?

A month ago, i was approached by a girl who found my profile (which is full of non-sensical gibberish) interesting. She thought it was a creation of some extraordinary brain. Though i showed her that i was just-any- other- guy, but i have to accept i was jumping inside with joy! it was unbelieveable that i could impress a girl with my stupidity! Yeah! When i told my aforementioned friend, he was slightly taken aback. What! mazaak kar raha hai kya!! (tell me when you are finished joking, i'll start laughing then!!).

The girl (she who must not be named) found my ideas weird! To top that,she also found me modest!! And how did I prove myself ingenious? It was just a simple trick made by me, out of what wsa taught to me by my prof Never ever let them feel how much you had to toil for the job! just tell them it was in a fluke!Then sit back and watch the fun!! I was successful in proving myself modest in front of me and my egotist self, and its time this drama has to stop, because I am now miles away from what I aimed at! I have reduced myself to just a ventriloquist, a mimicry artiste, if not more. This has become my second nature. I have been proving in front of others how genius and modest I am!

This is the sole question which has been daring me straight in my eyes, and i am fraidy of this question, why? because the answer hurts my ego that i am an egotist who satisfies himself by showing himself as a modest and a simple looking person! It is the truth! Even in my other blogs I used to write I in small letters to suggest myself that I was being modest! Perhaps this subtle difference of mine from my prof has led me astray. I know I'll conquer it now, when I know I have accepted the truth, after all, it's not too hard to attain simplicity, and conquer ego, i suspect.

The Robbing Hood

I always was fascinated with Rebels. Those who wanted to change the society for good impressed me from my childhood. I too wanted to be such an editor of society, the one who was born to be an axis of this unbalanced world. Truly speaking, it always fascinated me to work out the off beat, something which was true but was usually not done by the society. It gave me the pleasure of seeing the amused faces gawking. It almst satisfied my ego that i really was born to accomplish the extraordinary. Out of the way things fascinated me. They seemed too luscious to leave. I was impressed by those who did not care for their lives for some cause which later proved to be the axis of change in the human gigalopolis. The fame and the respect they commanded from the race was fascinating. I felt it great seeing them talked about like heroes, they were heroes of their times and now the golden glory was mixed in their names made them glitter before me.I usually thought of myself in their shoes, myself fighting against the Raj, on the horseback, or fighting against the kabaylis trespassing across the border. I wondered if time would present before me an opportunity to prove myself a hero in front of people, the lesser mortals who will remember me as the great one who did some major change in the current system, and it was because of my greatness, had i not appeared on the picture, many generations would then, had to bear the old rusty ideas. And i wanted all this on the cost of my life. Think of it! I, a martyr, a great man, and an idol!! What a glamor it would be! people recalling me as someone who had the power to bring about a change. So i looked for opportunities when i would have to donate my life for the welfare of humankind, but alas! such a situation never appeared, and what i was left with was a simple situation which never demanded anything great!! It demanded petty things like my concentration and all, things like homeworks, helping out mom in her chores, and some computer stuff. I never liked any of these petty works, i wanted to do something big! Where was that something big in these everyday things? These things certainly never needed my attention as i being some avatar of some holy soul (if not god) was meant to accomplish some goal much above the knowledge of earthly souls. I really thought i was the one to bring about the change.

years passed and i kept on moving with life trying to find that "Big" opportunity which will turn me into a hero, ignoring the fact that i had been failing in small things. And this ignorance made my attitude a bit sloppy. I realised that when i failed for the second time in JEE. It was not my knowledge, but my attitude which cost me dearly in the exam. I overcame that limitation to appear in that exam fr the third time when i competed in pretty adverse conditions, conditions much harsh than what were earlier.

I then realised that when i wanted to take risk of my life, it was not because of bravery, but because of cowardice, for i did not want to live after the sacrifice, because it had already dawned upon me that life would be too harsh to live and sacrifices leave you in pain and trouble. I the nrealised that responsible nature towards every task make us stronger and gives us support. Its the great feeling which matters while doing the task, not the task. And of course suicide is not one of the tasks. It may be projected as a glamorous action, but it is not! It needs bravery to commit suicide, but it takes a lot more bravery to stay alive and fight the situation by facing it. I'm proud that i'm alive today, for, had i not been alive, i had not been proud, and this is my deal with death that i'll sacrifice and live to see the sacrifice work wonders.

Sherlock Holmes and Salaam Namaste Compared

Yesternight i was busy chatting with my best friend's sister. The topics ranged from the food and family to various other not- that- important things akin to bad odor of mouth. It was getting late and i desperately wanted to have a sleep and she was in no mood to going to bed. I yielded and i just for the sake of continuing the chat asked her, "Have you read Sherlock Holmes?", and she counter- questioned it, "Have you seen Salaam Namaste?". What a combination of questions! It was then a logic versus emotion battle between us, the winner was to be awarded a good night's sleep! Ah! what a dummy question to ask, when i was being literary!! I was not in a mood to answer such feminine question. So, i changed my stance swiftly to something more boyish. I tried to prove that what the female protagonist was doing and whining in the movie were non- sensical and crap, as the actor put it straight! But the verdict was already out, that the actress was right in her own right and the option of abortion was inhuman. Period. i tried to object to it on the grounds of practicality but she would not budge, for it was her verdict and i was a dollar percent wrong.

What i suggested was a practical move, which would have solved the couple's solution, but who cares for the solution, when what one wants is sympathy. It's not the solution which mattered anymore, it was the apathy of my attitude which was on the show. It was very callous of me to put forth this topic in most inhuman way. Inhumane ideas are practical, at least more often than not, and i favour the solution than favouring sympathy. I have a belief that solution belittles the problem so that when it is countered, it bows and let you pass through, than daring in your eyes and laughing at you. I know that sympathy makes you feel good at heart, like a spring sunshine, but what good is the sunshine, when you have a bruised knee? it never serves any purpose than making you feel good, but the bruise is still there. But still many of the people go for the sympathy mode of communication, it's certainly their choice.

i wrote upto this till last week, not knowing i'd see the other face of Salaam Namaste this week.

Yesternight was a friday night, and i was in a mood for a long walk, quite usual of me. So i chose one of my wingmates for a company, and he took out his two- wheeler. During the drive we arrived at the topic of Importance of girlfriends. I have a reservation for this topic, not because i'm not interested in girls, but because i feel a bit insecure talking about them. Call it my idiosyncracy, but this is how i react to this issue. And trust me, i can convince anyone why i don't allow myself to enter in such relationships.

So there were we two going around the IIT campus in the dead of night talking our way out and the trees moving in the direction counter to our velocity vector. He told me, you know something, i and my friend went to watch that movie, and i really enjoyed it. i was feeling bored by now, and i just uttered, yeah, the dolby system makes the listening a picnic, right? my statements usually form a part of monologue and people don't find some open end to continue the issue further, but this friend of mine was a master of speech. He countered me, na! but because i was with her. it was her presence which made me enjoy the movie, otherwise i would not have gone for it had i been alone. It must be lonely being alone for u, no? Now i was cornered. I stuch at this point, then i found a way out. To declare myself a saint! I proved to him that how have i grown above such feelings, and how are all, irrespective of gender equal before me. But it was the truth which was peeking out badly.Had not Sherlock Holmes been alone? He was, for he too was bad at human relations, and good at logic. So am i.

And That's Why I'm Grounded

Once upon a time, i was inquisitive that why something egragious happened to some people in which they apparently were not at fault. What was the reason people failed, or were harassed, when there was no fallacy on their behalf. Perhaps they were schlimazel. Bah, bad logic! And how do i explain the sufferings of so many prophets and god- people born? Should i label them as Schlimazel too? Or is it that they were just few of those masochists? Unbelieveable as it was for me, as well as out of reach for me. And then, suppose masochism was in their brains as they always chose trying situations for them, how could i justify twelve stigmata living in this world at any given moment? Are they masochists or, better expressed, schlimazels? Can't say! is it that they were really the chosen ones? But i assumed that God didn't exist, for the simple reason that neither anyone has ever seen him/ her nor anyone could explain him/ her.

Do i mean that something which can not be explained with current logic can be disposed off branding it as non- existent? Can singularity be explained by our system of sciences and Maths? Not hitherto. So we can not say it never existed! It does exist, but it's us, who are not capable of explaining the things. So it's our incapability which forbids us to know god, but to learn this, i had to wait for 16 years.

In my childhood, i wondered what made things go awry, was it the half heartedness of people? And what if they accomplish the job with proper respect towards it, won't they fail? At least Geeta, the hindu scripture doesn't warrantee that! God plays dice, at least he is a bit ruthless towards many of the living population, can not claim that about dead! He is someone who wants to prove his authority every now and then, a totally whimsical personality. Whatever we do is to please him, and whatever he does in return is to please himself. is it not?

I grew up with this idea, that God had his whims, let the earth be inclined at an angle of 23.5 degrees, and those 0.5 degrees was his eccentricity, otherwise why couldn't my geography teacher explain that to me? She thought that i was an overly smart idiot! i repeated that very sentence when i could not clear JEE in my first attempt. It was for the whole year i blamed him for my failure, it was he who was whimsical old wise guy. It was he who wanted me to fail! and it was he who always visited my house taking various forms of my relatives to tease me about my very recent failure. If he was playing chess with me, he was in my fort, i'll beat him in that!

After the next failure at Jee, it flashed to me that perhaps it was my fault, a small fraction of it, though. I cross- examined myself, and i found my error, corrected it and i eventually passed through JEE. It was a feat for me. And i too was proud to be an IITian, was feeling great to be in a league of extraordinary gentlemen, i finally did it. It was everything for me, a moment worth a googol! But i had misconstrued it in all sense.

I saw people failing repeatedly speaking up their miseries, and i asked God why was he unjust?
There was a guy who was hated by everyone, he was lonely, and so was he a stutter. He too like me had cleared JEE in 2 years, his 2 years being an ordeal, i would say, if mine were the meter gauge. I befriended him, to be his support, for it gave me pleasure to be of some help, because i had not been of any help to anyone, and i was getting a chance to rise in my own eyes. I later found out that he had the habit of exploiting people, so he never deserved any sympathy! That was why he was alone, so that he could learn the value of friendship. It was something which he refused to learn. And it repeatedly occured with him, to teach him the intricacy. That was the first answer i got.

Similarly, i again challanged God on his decision of keeping one of my teachers childless. He was again being unkind on that old couple, especially the teacher once wept before us. She is very sentimental about this. So i alleged my arch- enemy about this. He kept mum at the moment. i thought he has no answers! i had won the battle. Days passed, when i went to her home one day to apply for my leave, and i saw she was beating her maid. She was a little girl and had broken a cup. Now, that was not a big mess for which she could be penalised like this, and i personally don't like beating children. I was aghast looking at her cruelty. She perhaps never deserved a child. That was the justification i got.

I could understand the system of God's machinery. He works in this manner. He just prunes our branches which go beyond the boundary, because we refuse to listen to his suggestions. He is a responsible and a wise man, the old wise man, who is always grounded.

The Canine Speaks

The first reason i don't consider myself a dog is as follows, a dog is not left- handed, it's left footed! There are more of such awkward reasons which leave many of you gawking in rage and astonishment, but it is not my sole purpose, as it is better to feel your reaction sitting with you and telling you something about me, that how i and my dog felt the same chasing squirrels, cats, birds, butterflies and other lowly creatures; for i was adopted by Naughty and he believed he was teaching me the joy of kicking such ignorant creatures who may trespass in his reign. Sometimes i pleased him by running around with butterflies and squirrels running hither and thither, and sometimes he pleased himself by saving me from the danger of our neighbourhood cat which had given birth to a dozen kittens and usually sneaked in to rob some milk in the pot. It was supposedly my duty and Naughty's Obligation on us that we made a wonderful team against that purring intruder.

Those were the grand old days when i was a worker under that great canine, but as every other slave, i too had my freedom in my destny when it eloped with some other fellow. He chose to oblige him than me. It's a free world, and we all have the right to make our decisions, i thought. However, its not the story about that spitz- pomerian cross which i am narrating. Its the canine in me which was the obligation of Naughty.

The world around us is continually changing itself into a more and more organic form, a form more of chaos and bizzare phenomenons. The more i try to explore, the more i end up muddled. It was something not promised to me in my childhood by the books. It was not the world which i found in my teens, its some place very different from the erstwhile. Something very oblivious. I will explain to you what i mean.

Consider this case, which is more beautiful, a Stallion/ stud or a mare? Simple, its the stud owing to the muscular giant body and the hair on its neck. It is considered as one of the most masculine animals. The closest runner- up is the Bull. Similarly, which is more beautiful, a peacock or a peahen? Certainly it's a peacock and the beauty being his grand tail and the cloak. On the same lines of thought we can find a Lion much more beautiful than a lioness. How is it then that in homo sapiens, the female is more beautiful? i asked to Sammy, my new human friend. He tried to give me some explanation which i could not pursue more than an inch. It had to do something with some very beautiful and curvilinear features, and a chirpy voice. Is it so? or it is this very human emotion which makes The Great Apes feel the beauty? Beauty lies in the eyes of be(er)holder, they say!

Being a dog inside, i can smell better than any other person, and i used my organoleptic self to distinguish between the organic compuonds in the chemical lab, whether it was ester, or carboxylic acid, or whether it was aniline. My nose knew it all: Once a smelly, always a smelly!

The other day, Sammy, my human friend asked me that how did i spell the reptile which lived in water, and that was very big! i told him K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L. He was taken aback, and called for an explanation, though he wasn't sure if this was the correct spelling. I retorted back "you asked me how I spelt it". Of course, given a chance, i would have spelt E-L-I-F-A-N-T too, but i luckily know the spelling of that pakiderm!

Even today, after a military training of 2 years, the Tommy in me still keeps on speaking, barking and yelping. Even the man in the white apron said i'll keep on hearing the sounds till a few days and then they will try to normalise me. Its not a personality disorder, i was told. I believe i'll be complete dog one day, and then i'll bark my heart off.

What Intelligence Can Never Achieve

Not long back, it dawned upon me that human beings are most intelligent of all beings on this planet. Some of us are even more intelligent than most of this race. I used to think that human beings, by far, have been able to achieve everything in this earth because of intelligence. It's the brain which is almighty.

Even i was convinced to the extent that i thought Nature worked on some given heuristics and Algorithms. I believed that whatever was not logical was illogical and it could not exist for long. It was this thing that i proved to many and mislead them into believing that logic is the highest order of trait which could be shown by any living being. There had to be some objective for this action, or some goal to be satisfied by that.

I am an omnivert by nature. I speak a lot whenever i am getting into the crux of the things, and as mentioned earlier, i was babbling about achievements of logicin the lecture of Artificial Intelligence. It was then the professor showed to me that there are some situations where logic fails.

Let me explain this. Let us assume a student cheats in exam. In that particular exam, many had cheated and the professor caught a few unlucky ones. Now the professor declares that he has caught some pupils cheating, and it would be better if they come on their own and accept their guilt, or else they would be punished. Now if our student goest and accepts his guilt then two possiblities are there:

The prof knows he cheated: The prof, as per his promise cuts some marks of his.

The prof does not know that the guy cheated: The prof out of surprise, cuts some more of his marks. Now the student repents why ever did he go to confess, and that he would have been happier had he not confessed!!

Suppose our student does not go and confess then again two possiblities are there:

The prof knows he cheated: And our hero(!) had the guts to defy the prof! So prof awards him -100% instead. Again the student repents on his decision!.

The prof does not know that the chap cheated: though in this case the prof awards him the full marks, but the guy had to undergo through a lot of stress, worrying that what would have happened and what marks would have prof given to him.

No heuristic can guide us in this situation of regret where every action takes us to a scene much sorry than the previous one. And similar is life in many aspects.

I recognised that i too had undergone such a lesson many a time in my life, and i never tried to learn the morale, instead i tried to cook up some heuristic to avoid the situation if that particular situation ever occured in my life, and it is needless to say that life always eluded me on this ground!

I used to believe that one particular specie was inferior to mankind, and the spcie was womankind, because of their emotion- centric behaviour. I believed that man was the best animal ever. But it struck me in that AI class that human emotions, stability of mind, love, hatred, regret, cooperation, trust, happiness, and host of other feelings can never be achieved via intelligence, super intelligence or super- sper- intelligence. Intelligence fails in this domain. I then realised that emotions have always been accompanying us since our evolution, They r not explainable by any logic, not because they r inferior to logic, but because they are so superior that they are out of reach for logic! Things which are inferior to logic can always be explained by it. Only those things which are superior are unexplainable. I learnt that why people let someone go whom they love, it can never be explained by logic, but this thing is unexplainable by the person himself.

It has been years since i behaved like a human. I had been degrading myself from the level at which i was born, and i am trying now to attain the level back. I am learning to let go of those whom i love, though that's unexplainable, but i strongly believe someday i'll find an explanation to that too. And till then i'll keep behaving like others of my specie.

satyam shivam sundaram

A shloka in Shree Durga Saptashati says

aum vishuddh gyandehaye trivedi divya chakshushe.

shreyah praptinimittaye namah somardh dharine..

It means, i bow before the Lord who has knowledge as his body and The vedas as his 3 eyes. Simple as it is, it has its deeper meanings as well, some of which quite evident, while others a bit subtle. One of them is the literal meaning which is conspicuous enough to be explained.

I am a pagan who last went to some temple a decade back. So is my belief that God exists in everyone, not as a god, but as a psychology.

It's the goodness which exists in everybody, a quality which is called God, not God himself. And in this way, i do not kneel before the statue in the temple, for it's futile.

The cognition is something which is, to some extent present in everyone of the living species. But every truth has another truth which is complementary to it. Its like seeing a half jigsaw puzzle, without bothering about its other half, the other half which completes the former one.

Most often the stark truth is very bitter, people say, but actually that truth is not bitter if seen in a neutral fashion. The truth is always there, it's for us to see when we accept it. As soon as we accept it, the better it is.

Truth makes us stronger and it forges our self- esteem into steel. The more one relies on it, the more reliable he becomes! Lord shiva is no God in himself, he just represents a psychology which sees everything as it is. A psychology which is pure and simple in emotions, knowledgeable in nature and who has a stable temper. Being stable minded never means to be devoid of emotions, it only means to be in ecstacy, and eternal is this ecstacy for it makes u satisfied and ecstatic, not happy, which itself is a form of stress. All these are difficult to attain. For knowledge and experience comes with a price of innocence and simplicity. To maintain both is an impossibility, to accept truth in its raw form is difficult and to have a stable mind is a hard task!
Nevertheless, people attain these and yet retain their innocence, and when people attain such state that they free themselves from these mental barriers, they become Shivas in themselves.

A Something More Than It

This PriLog-ic is the last of the series.
There is no grammar of love. No meaning of it. No point of it, either, i wished i could say that! So the grammar would be defied in this blog, may whatever be the case, because this describes something much above love, something much above logic. Something far more vivid, far more transparent. A story with two characters i and I. I, first person, singular.
and i, first person, single. A story with no other person; for two I's can not make we!

It was a year back, when i and I met. i thought that I was just a friend, someone who had a face in the whole sea of crowd. Someone who sparkled time and again, just differently from everyone there. It was not until three months when i had to go through testing times, the times testing the patience and maturity. i found that I had been following i through all the severities, often compelling i to see the gem of the person I had been. Indeed, it was I who helped i to come out of the trench. The three months' war was over and it was time Rome was rebuilt.

A year passed, both the Is were best of the best friends, talkin incessantly on issues which were simpler than anything. The ideas seeming nonsensical to anyone outside, perhaps only i knew what he was talking about. I t was not that the gibberish mattered to any of them, it was the support which meant a lot! Not that any of them was weak, it was a sense of pride being I's friend for i, and vice versa, for; their friendship had grown out of all bounds. It was evident that i had something very singular going in his mind. Something which was simply out of the limits defined by Is friendship. I was in a shock! i never told her about it, though she could sense the upsurge of emotions building up in i, as well as she herself had to remain soothing and calm. Same was the case with i. He did understood that it was love, but all unexpected at that. What he could think of was to solve this thing with I lest the issue goes out of control.

There are some relations, sweetness of which is unbounded. The sweetness sometimes makes one feel comfortable, while at times, it makes one feel asphyxiated. The sweetness is unforgettable in any case. Why not make the relation a comely one? The whole beauty of the relation lies in the fact that how much we care about the others in that relation. Its not the words which ever matters. The language is a barrier to the human feelings. It creates the limit by constraining them in words. i never was satisfied with the lingual ability.

i had to see that his intentions never hurt I. The constraints imposed by language could not stop him. It was now out of the literary bounds. The words were flowing in the space and time. The time had dilated, and the space stood frozen. Their relation was now no more a friendship. It was more than that, a treasure of heavenly bodies, of which the moon shining above was just a small pearl.

I was in a turmoil, and i knew he had dragged her along him into this, so he had to find out a way. And then, they talked for the whole of night, the rain had stopped at I's place and the moon was glistening in the town where i lived. Their talks continued, ranging from funny to gibberish, their emotions from calm to soothing to stormy.

Both of them did not want to hurt each other, even at their own costs. So the result was both were facing the storms while soothing each other. Sometimes storms too create Rome! This time a new relation was laid between both Is. It was not love. Neither it was friendship. Something much different and better than both had evolved. Time beautifies relations, Tears beatify.

i was single in his room. Sitting on his chair and writing a piece, which he could dedicate to I, his pillar of success;
His appreciator I, his friend I, his love I, his success I, his saviour I, the savour of i was I, the energy source for i, and many more adjectives which he could not think of, after all it was the savour of the relation which made i an infinitesimal speck of nectar from the speck of dust.

This final blog is dedicated to I, the soul of i. The two Is should never make a we; for we means two separate entities.



I, this was the best testimonial i can write for you, i'm sorry, my english limits my expression.

A Blast not on Dipawali

Few days back, i was astounded by one of my friends who came to my lair just to break this news (i accept i don't have a knack for current affairs, i'm a cocoon animal!) He charged to my room shrieking "Abe suna kya? Bangladeshe Bomb phoote gelo!!" (Know what? There has been a bomb blast in Bangladesh!) "60 bombs chhilam!" 60 bombs! Is there some mega sale or is it that bombs are being sold at the rate of seers? i was highly thrilled! That might have been some news, i asked him. He had been laughing like a mad person. "Do jan hi mare hain sirf!!".Only 2 down!! now i too burst in laughter. The supposed news had been nihilated by this punchline! What a waste of public money, i thought.
I am a person who believes in committing with 100% of my self to anything which i take up. (Rest percentage is alloted to other things). But this was obnoxious! You blasted 60 bombs to kill just two people? The makers of the bombs would be hiding in shame somewhere! Bombs are aimed for a better destruction efficiency than their predecessors, and these people wasted someone's labour. At least they should have respected for the hard earned cash by Bangladeshi populous. They did not have right to waste national treasure like this. It is for this reason i stopped celebrating dipawali, because it wasted Pa's hard earned money. The whole idea was so childish, a scar on face of terrorism; especially when things are going glamorous with some countries on the verge of being declared as terrorist countries, and some people keeping the life size posters of Terrorist king pins like Mr. Ibrahim or Mr. Laden. These people who claimed for the "vast amount of destruction" should have made optimal use of the bombs.
I heard that they claimed that they wanted their voice to be heard by the government, and they did not want a destruction and loss of public life. What a gandhian way to celebrate dipawali then! I liked the idea.
Perhaps they thought to be innovative and not mean any destruction as they said. It's a new face terrorism has shown. A face more civilised and more gentle than the London, or Bombay stock exchange massacres or New York WTC incidents. It is a simple and innocent way to make you hear their voices, and accepting a tolerance limit of 5%, 2 people dead in 60 blasts is not a bad performance on their grounds. It is a huminatarian approach to terrorism, and of course, i have full sympathy towards those who died in the blasts, for their end was unwanted and superfluous, but the omnipotent ahs decided an end for everyone, so can't help in that. I do agree that it was indeed bad, but at least an iota more cultured than Bin Laden Corp. or some D inc. I really liked the idea!

The Tintinabulation i Hear

Radha was simply furious at him. How could he be flirting with others? It was not done! And then lord Krishna justified himself, smiling,
"I see you, Radha, in everyone i love!".
The beauty of this statement is that it can be interpreted in many different ways, some are subtle while others, superficial. The more one thinks, the more meaningful it becomes. In fact the greatest manager ever (this is what i call him), delivered each and every word which had multiple meanings, showing his total command on faculty of speech.
i have been intrigued by this one sentence for about a decade, it had been clandestine hitherto until i thought i knew sufficiently enough of its meaning to write something about it. i was fourteen when i heard the sentence for the first time. i was growing, and i was growing keen too. it was a unique sentence and an intelligent one to paint one's otherwise objectionable action as a very dedicated one! i liked the idea, and it worked at some places, encouraged, i started using it very often and then it failed at some places, thus, i was a bit disappointed at the success rate of this statement. It was beyond my fathom to understand any other meaning.
The General manager was a really wise and knowledgeable guy of his times. No wonder he helped forge an empire which spanned complete Indian subcontinent and some Afghanistan. His statements are a treat for brain. He still has a evergrowing fan club even today! i could not understand, i thought, the reason might be he had some superhuman powers, and he had a very very large female fans following him. Wasn't it great! seemed like a movie though!! Who would not like being loved dedicatedly by so large a number of women, who have a stream of love within themselves, always ready to pour and make the world a lovely place for you to live.
I was sixteen. A heart was broken for the first time! So i was very particular not to hurt anyone. How could the Greatest Manager (i call him GM) not have delivered a heart ache? i wondered. And was it not derogatory to someone else's love when you exclaim that it's somebody else's love you are seeing in it? It was mean on the part of GM. It's convincing that he loved her more than anyone else, but it didn't give him the licence to ask someone to replace the love which was copyright of some other person! ah! Rebellion was at work.
It has been a decade.An aeon negligent, but for me, knowing that i have a short life, its a big span of time, i'd say. Read many books, got defeated many a time, won my ego, got eluded, and got experienced with each shot of mine. Its a world which is ready to get chaotic, so delicate the balance is. Nevertheless, the balance will be eventually restored. This is what Thermodynamics taught me. I had already heard of Indian Institute of Managements when i was 13. They churn a league of extraordinary gentlemen, this was what i was told, but none of them has The Excalibur what he had!
Radha was most dedicated to the GM. Certainly, he reciprocated to her with fullest of intensity.
"I don't like proud poeple, i leave them the moment their ego comes in between. I also try to avoid people who try their sovereignty over me. It's just a selfless dedication i want, nothing more. It's the price one has to pay for my love."
This was what was missing in others. And what about those 16 000 wives? A battalion indeed! He had to marry them, since noone was there for them, they were downtrodden at the moment, souls were pure. So they dedicated themselves and my Manager obliged them. He always gauged the psychology of opposite person and spoke in his language. Maryada Purushottam was a different case altogether, he was not like him.
"I'm like a lotus which though is surrounded by water, but still water can not stay on its leaves!"
This was the key to the first intelligent sentence which i heard when i was fourteen! It was neither infatuation nor was it attraction... it was dedication, unconditional love, which i believed never existed! So simple a fact! Fact is really stranger than fiction! And like all universal truths, this one too was sweet; sweet enough to make me believe i heard some faint tintinabulation of cow- bells.

Nomads, are we?

Perhaps we all have seen our friends settling in life, settling to some place perhaps far far away, and often terra incognita. The question which intrigued me is that why do we then build our homes? and for that matter, why try to settle in our lives, if we may have to leave our peg and tether and drift away to some other place?

My grand-dad built his home somewhere, a place we left a long back (We now live somewhere else, in a house built by my dad). And if the things keep on going in this manner then i doubt severly that i'll be ever settling in Patna. Then why did pa settle there? why did my grandfather settle? he knew that none of his 5 children were going to stay!

I remember that namita once told me Only humans allow their children to come back home! Perhaps it has percolated in human nature to settle at some point. It is exactly in this way we left behind the nomadic age ages behind. But something which is the driving force of nature can not be changed; they say everything except change is bound to change! It is nature which urges us to move on in life, and it is our lethargy (may be the tardiness introduced by the hormonal changes) which in some way which keeps us from moving.
We might have left nomadic age aeons ago, but the nomad in us tries to drift us into some place unknown.
We often tend to drift from our roots so that we may explore the world, and when we find that we have seen enough of it, we return to our base!

We drift because we have the courage and the will to try anything out, and we settle because our experiences bind us to stay, it is the feeling of insecurity which deters us from proceeding. It's the fear of loosing which takes the grip coupled with a sense of satisfaction and feeling of frailty.

We often move forward because we need to achieve something in our life, and if we remember this, perhaps the nomad in us will never ever will be left behind and we would not have to return to our children!