Saturday, May 19, 2007

The Tummy Story

I woke up and went to the computer, (which is the only means of survival in this hot and extremely humid paradise) and logged into Orkut. I found there this community "Tond Club". The community is an agglomeration of people having all sorts of waist sizes from 40 to 28 and a half.

This community has left me remembering my aunt who once defined the "Stone Tond" of someone or the "Soft Tond" of mine which is more like gelatinous pudding.

It has also left me wondering how can we measure whose is a better tummy? It is quite an impossible question for people who hail from draught struck area and they never possessed (rather got possessed) by this thing. Could it be the radius of curvature, like astrophysicists around the world measure all heavenly bodies?

The criteria could then well be like:

Please tick one tummy you admire: Radius of Curvature being: (a) infinity (like those flat screen televisions) (b) that of earth at equator (c) that of football (d) that of incandescent bulb (in this case, it perhaps would be a tumour, malignant or benign, that tests would tell).

Another way could be radius of gyration, as engineers measure. We all know that the more the bubble in the carpenter's spirit level is at centre (when placed at the centre of abdomen), the smaller is the radius of gyration. So all interested parties could be left to gyrate their hips, the more they can, the better will a tumtum be called.

Or could it be more informal like what farmers grow in orchards, like apple tummies or pear tummies, and the vote be drawn on the favour of fruits you enjoy devouring, or the taste of the tummies you can dig your teeth into. It could be coconut for those hirsute tummies, resembling a coconut kept on table (also known as "pointed Tond" in hindi), and people who like coconuts may have a weakness for that. And for people like me, it could well be, i don't know, because i have pretty feeble knowledge about fruits which are so soft.

I realise that the proper presentation of a tummy too might make it win a few more points, like people who wear the pants below their tummies and shirts which are small so that the lower furry half of their tummies is visible to the world would turn out to be a winner, indeed, quite closely followed by people who wear the shirts so tight that it looks as if the buttons on the pinnacle of their stomach would pop and the shirt ready to burst open.

I also realise that people like me (who have soft) and a few celebreties (like Adnan uncle), who have their complete torsos turned into a geodesic dome pose a problem, but if some gradation of this thing could be made possible, then perhaps every 2 out of 3 Americans and 1 out of 1000 Nigerian owners would feel great about their objects of desire, and may aspire for a better pantheon.