Saturday, May 13, 2006

... Till Death Do Us Party!

Welcome to World Self Murderer's Association! Here at World Self Murderer's Association, or WSMA, we are trying to make a suicider's attempt more formal and and more efficient than usual, so that they may always rest in a piece after the attempt. We have witnessed quite a few felo de se who find themselves on hospital beds and have mistaken doctors and nurses as St. Peter/ Lucifer aka The Satan/ Yam devata/ Chitragupta (depending upon the hospitality and religion) and Angels/ Witches/ Apsara/ Chudail (again depending upon aforementioned factors). So it is our simple and noble aim to provide all the necessary equipments and facilities for a successful suicide mission. It has been our motto Let's Make World a Better Place to Live and Leave and Let Leave. I have a dream that every human on this earth must have a card in his hand, the membership card of this Association- Kar Lo Duniya Mutthi Mein, Hum Hain na!
Yes sire! you can verify our records, all of our members are dead hitherto, at least we never found anyone resurrected/ undead. I must admit that the business is roaring these days especially after the stylising of blogging and suiciding amongst students of some premier institutes/ after taking CBSE board exams. We provide ergonomic, very best, reliable and foolproof time tested ways to end the life. That's why we say Believe in Yourself, Believe in the Best.

Fine Prints:
  1. We do have some student's scheme which allows a rebate of 50% in fees for registrations.
  2. If you are a daughter in law, if your marriage is just new (must not be older than 365 days) then we provide Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahut Thi Scheme: we give you 40% rebate, and we supply kerosene/ gasoline/ LPG free in that case (you need to buy the matchstick yourself, we recommend Horse- Head ones, they light faster, and one stick is enough).
  3. If the Marriage is older (366 days to not more than 540 days), then We have Kahani Gharr Gharr Ki scheme: we depreciate the rebate by 5% per month under this scheme.
  4. Note Bene: We do not recognise any marriage older than 540 days, we consider it as a particular case of Alien Encounters of The Third Kind and hence a perennial headache to which everyone will eventually (and gradually) get immuned to. The Scheme hence is named as Kasauti Zindagi Kay Scheme, and is currently out of our scope of action.
  5. For the people in other sectors like some school boys immolating themselves/ people committing any other act of cowardice/ martyrdom willing to die, like seasonal suiciders, as we prefer to call them, we have a scheme of Kaahin kissi Roz... There are no rebates whatsoever, we treat them as respected guest consumers of our person specific services.
  6. Suicide Bombers are not considered in the category mentioned in 5 above.

Here is a sample form which needs to be duely filled to gain a member status in WSMA:

  • Name:____________________________.

  • Occupation: Student/ Housewife/ Lunaticism/ Fanaticism/ Suicide Bomber/ Other (please mention): ______________________________.

  • Purpose which this mission serves (in not more than fifteen lines): _______________________________________________________________.

  • if you want to blame anyone/ anything (Yes/ No, if yes, please name them, in comma separated format):________________________.

  • How many times have you failed in suicide attempts before? (Please Mention in Numerals not greater than 4 digits, not negative numbers): _____.

  • If more than 1, any reasons for your failure? (at least 10 words, attach more pages if needed, this will appear in our FAQ, for the people intrigued why they were unsuccessful in their attempts): _______________________________________________________________.

  • What is the equipment you need (please tick one or more): (a) Knife/ scissors/ blade/ any sharp object (b) Kerosene/ Gasoline/ LPG (c) a raised podium and a rope (d) other (please mention).

  • Which membership facility do you want (tick one)? (a) VIP (b) deluxe (c) sadomasochist (d) blind game (e) Techno.(Description: VIP- Rope has soft, but sturdy material with a safety factor of 2 to bear double your weight, knife is excellent non-rusted stainless steel with platinum edged, LPG doesn't have a Pungent Ethyl Mercaptan smell which is irritating to many, podium has a red carpet with a welcome message printed with your initials on it. DELUXE- Good quality blade/ knife/rope/ podium; best and economical. SADOMASOCHIST- chains and barbed wires, (accessories are handcuffs, and gags) instead of ropes, two handed saw in place of knife/ blade and compressed fart and taped musical cacophony as a substitute of silent LPG. BLIND GAME- you will recieve a surprise item for your suicide mission, makes your suicide hour a happy and amusement hour. TECHNO- Calls for ultra modern suicidal techniques like employing overdose of Osmium in your favourite Diet cola Drink or overdose of Potassium Chloride to give the heart some extra jerk).

  • Stimulus/ event in breif which pushed you towards suicide (please attach extra sheets, shall the space seems insufficient) e.g Ditched by a girlfriend, stumped by mates, abused by master, kicked by mother in law, bad food in mess etc: _________________________.

  • An Informal letter/ formal application attached herewith this form (in CBSE proforma).

  • Left thumb imprint (if Male) or else, Right thumb Imprint (if female).

  • The Stamp sized Photograph.

  • Type of membership (please tick one): (a) lifetime membership (b) yearly (c) seasonal (d) once (e) trial offer.

Signature with date: _________________ .

I have read all the above crap and i will abide by the rules of the Association, and I understand that the above mentioned information is correct to the best of my knowledge, and I and only I shall be left responsible through out my life for any discrepancies if found, at later stage.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Granny's Tale

Once upon a time, there lived a caveman, whose name was Mau, who had some serious questions. It was the question of his very existence... He had domesticated a dog and used to call him Kau, the dog had the same doubts concerning his existence. The first doubt was food. The dog would smell some animal and run after it, jeopardizing the poor creature. It ran hither and thither and the man would eventually hunt it down. Back at the cave, the man would happily smoke the prey and put some small part of it's flesh before Kau. Kau would gooble it and wag it's tail with the man who would be asleep by then. This is how their lives were passing before them, until one day Mau realised he was too lonely in the world, it wasn't Kau, he was indeed his game partner, but Mau needed someone to express his thoughts to, someone who might make him understand that barbecued hunt feels much better than smoked one, one who may ask Mau for some water and put his day's booty on the fire, make him feel home, and yes, his cave needed some cave paintings as well! Naturally, kau could not do all those chores. He was good to drive away squirrels from the cave and warn Mau about some trespassing guest, but that was all he was good for. It was the second question Mau was facing. Mau needed a life partner...

Fast forward a few aeons...
My neighbourhood Girl was fattening, and my granny was getting restless with each passing day How will she get married! And who will marry such a girl like her!! She made it her concern to worry about every living creature and it's/ hers/ his pot pourri. It was not a question of marriage, but i thought it was more about her always having some worries at hand as a time pass. It was irritating. If you can not change something, then why to crib about it? i would ask. She would not say anything else, but her facial experience would reveal that the turmoil never subsided. When she was not worried about such lowly things, she would always worry about Aaj ka khana kya banega...? (what shall i cook for the next meal), as if it was some great problem haunting The Human race! I was left irritated, i knew this had trickled into the habits of granny, and old habits die hard.
Slow Forward a few years...
I was in IIT. And the summers had just started. I was eating a mango when the telephone rang. I was waiting for this thing to buzz eagerly. But now i wasn't mentally ready to pick it up. It was bhaiya on the other side with the result of Mathematics module- II 's result. I did not want to hear that. I had a hunch that something was not going right. However, i picked up the phone and bhaiya's voice croaked to tell me i failed in it! For a second, i was shocked. I had to go back to Kgp. Believe me, the campus of Kgp sans students looks too serene and extraordinarily calm to live. It was a hot and humid summer, no mess to eat and all the mess in my life! It was a queer feeling. The other inmates staying at the Hijli Detention Camp (yes, i called IIT Kgp that then) did not work at my frequency. As a matter of fact, the place was terrible. Afternoon sun was getting stronger and i was feeling hungry, what to eat was a question, as far as hunger, my classy choice of food and economy were concerned, i realised that i was in a situation of compromise. I had to solve this problem. I went in search of some restaurant, but they had closed by then, i had to fill up my alimentary canal by some egg burger and some chips, certainly not a good choice for staple food. I was left starving. I decided that as soon as it is time for dinner, i'll go and seat myself at some good (the level of good depends upon place, person and time) restaurant (i was still very hungry) and hog like hell. I needed food at all costs. And when i was full, i had other worries of getting an Ex (a full 10 pointer) in the subject i feared most from. It was a tough life. The days flew just worrying about the class, notes, almost daily tests, and the creativity of the professor, and nights flew in the Central Library, which fortunately is open most of the time. It was then i realised that i too was instinctively working on the same principles of survival, the same questions which my granny pondered on- what to eat, and how to survive. It was just that i was in Room number E-112, and not a cave/ kitchen.

A month and a half passed by....
I was now present most of the times in the professor's chamber. It was a symbiotic existence in which we both believed. I helped him prepare his questions in a more creative way, and he used to solve my doubts. We both had something to give to each other, we both were learning. It was something which made me happy, gathering knowledge. I was happy that my summers were not a waste. They were utilised for a greater good. It was my future being written then. (I got an A in the subject, and I never knew that this man wold be playing an important role in deciding my path). Back then, it was something which i learned from him that i still am proud of. I was no longer studying for marks, i was studying it for knowledge, and i used to share a bit of these with my friends, who were then just trying to mug up the whole book of Kryeszig. I have no idea if they could catch my point, it showed on their faces. But i realised one thing, I had rediscovered a new path which made me different from these people. I had an aim different from surviving. I was no more a survivor now, i was more than that. It took me another 4 years to realise this, but i now know that there are quests other than the questions of food and family. One such quest is knowledge. It makes us more than survivors. It is one such answer to my question which i asked my granny Don't you have anything else to worry about?