Friday, January 05, 2007

Of God, HOD and Donkey

"Does God Play Dice?" asked a little kid from the donkey.

The Donkey nodded "yes sonny, he does, and we are thinking of pursuing him to play for inter hall bridge after a little training for our hall, Rama Krishna... though he is now an alumnus, but chalta hai!"

"Alumnus? You mean the God studied in the great Institute of Infinite Tests?"

"Yeah buddy, That's why he follows the IITian's way in everything (using the dice to decide the solutions of problems which unnecessarily bug him.)"
The neighborhood kid sat before the ass and passioantely looked at him, as if he expected him to tell him more about this mythical creature God.
The Donkey continued "Bible mein likha hai- God Created the world in 7 days. Billion years tak peace mara, aur fir ek week mein kuchh kuchh kar ke final plan submit kar dala world ka"
"And don't think anything else of "Let there be light" thing. It was the bulb of Topo Table which he wanted to switch on. Everything looks wonderful from surface, but inside- it's all chaos. Sara idea Makhau (hopeless) tha!", continued the Donkey.

The kid exclaimed "Yeah! i know, u mean all those droughts and floods and earthquake and whatever we read in the disaster management course. It was flaw in details, right?"

"Yupps Buddy, Meis Van Der Rohe said it right "God Lies In Details". He had to lie about it, because he did not know the details of this design project. So usne kisi aur duniya ka detail chhap dala"
"God ki Complain karo Hod (A creature named Head Of Department, Rhymes with God and behaves like one) se, usko Viva mein re lagvao!" the kid chirped.
"Can't do that- Hod loves God because he was a President's Gold Medalist", the donkey replied.
Donkey sighed "Actually it was all the mixup! Dev got caught copying god in the exam, so they suspended him for a semester, and this in effect caused his year lag...."

"Devil Failed once??" asked the wide eyed first year buddy.

"Yay! He failed not because he was copying, it was found later that he was copying, but because he was found carrying the mobile with him in the examination room. Actually original plan was this that God will Tapo the sessionals and Devil will chhaapo in the exam, but the Profs roaming in the exam room caught that poor thing!"

"Prof ne phansaya Dev ko?"

"Nahin re!"

"How do you know that? r u his avatar?"

"It is where I entered in picture. I sent that wretched MMS to Dev, and he had a look at it in the exam hall. It was "that famous" MMS. He got so excited that a squeal escaped from his larynx. Thus attracted by the force field, all the profs gathered there, ceased his mobile, and threw him out!

"Devil then called me- "tere chakkar mein load ho gaya, tujhe exam ke beech mein MMS bhejne ko kisne kaha tha!!!"
Since that was a very creative batch, so noone was interested in pursuing this field, so only candidate for the profession of master builder was god. and now, Dev was out of this game. Dev was completely frust that day after exam. After playing Age of Empires for 3 long hours with me did he return back to his own convivial self. Those sadist profs could not see a student feel orgasmic pleasure during this torure session!"

"to phir devil se mast dosti hai tumhari!"

"kya karte! god dry banda tha. devil chhedis tak aata tha. He and I used to smoke weed together. AOE khelna usi ne sikhaya tha. he was my "best senior""

"AOE kya hota hai? oops.. okok! age of empire" the kid exclaimed, realising his fault, "tubelight der se jali"

"devil patel mein rehta tha, god Lallu (Lala Lajpat Rai urf LLR) mein rehta tha
and I was in RK (Ram Krishna). Dev was a cool dude and god, a maggu.
Dev played guitar in Western Technology Music Society and most of the girls in the institute secretly liked his flamboyant self- He was godly, people used to say, a real stud of Insti. I used to play keyboard and this is how i first came in his contact. God was a creature of other world, as he was least interested in all these. One could maximum expected a peg of Johny walker out of him. Dev and I pulled him into this- Wine and Women- thing.
God was liking his new self- he was unknown to this tingling feeling which numbed him. Girls pampered him and Vodka thrilled him. He kept on liking this new lifestyle until Grand Vivas came! GV was next day and surprisingly, god was unprepared. neend khuli GV ke ek din pahle. raat bhar jaag jaag ke kuchh kuchh mug liya- just crammed the crap taught in last 5 years. main aur devil pit kar aa gaye GV se, and god came out with flying colors. phod phad macha di bande ne!"
"But the worst was yet to come. There was only a week left in submission of B Tech Thesis. God was alerady psyched. Saare sem hamare chakkar mein padhayi ki hi nahin thi! Hum jaante the kaise choona lagana hai. God used butter instead of whitewashing his misdeeds...."

"Was God a milkman?"


"He must have had a lot of butter to apply to profs!"

The Donkey smiled, "... 5 saalon ke makkhan ka hi bharosa tha. humse poochha "kya karoon? load hai!". Dev said "taap de donkey ka project- he doesn't have odds in favour of passing this course in 5 years, anyways!" god ne mera thesis taap diya. My project was to build a petrol pump for Hindustan Petroleum...."

"oh.. to yeh jaldi jaldi mein kiya hua project tumne banaya tha!"

"Yeah! God simply replaced HP label from it and put a Galaxy Label there. Dev had a bad drwg. He finally made wht u mortals call as hell. banana to usko childrens park tha lekin usko bhi kisi aur ka thesis mil gaya tha!
Anyways, It was the time for thesis viva- First in the list was god. He came, aur usne funde maar diye, prof to pehle se buttered the, prof makkhan ki tarah pighal gaye!
Next was Dev. As soon as profs saw his thesis, Hod gave a shreik- it was his thesis that wretched soul had copied! apne thesis ki durgati dekh ke HOD pagal ho gaya "Get Out!!!" and Dev followed the trajectory made by his thesis.
It was my turn.
HOD ne dekha-
This Time, Petrol Pump was written in place of Galaxy
HOD bola "copy maar diya GOD se? You are worse than Dev!" then he fell on the table and uttered the word "G-e-t O-u-t!" I then realised he had a heart attack. I wanted to give him brine solution to quicken his heavenly transfer, but god was quick. He ran to the deadly B C Roy Hospital in our campus, where they gave him some expired medicine and that saved our Hod"
"HOD aur GOD ke chakkar mein main pis gaya. neki kar aur dariya mein kood. Hod failed me for eternity. Every IITian has this sense of copying that he improves upon the errors of original document, but god did not know the art of copying, so he copied the errors too.
Then came exams and i forgot to take exams because the earlier night, and the exam day too, i was busy playing the deathmatch in Age of Empires and it was at a thrilling position, so i could not leave the game. It completely slipped out of my mind."

"mms bhejna nahi bhoole the, hai na?"

"Sab kuchh kaise bhool jaate? MMS was sizzling at that time! Dev told me- "God pen jhaad jhaad ke likha exam mein! use exam mein doubt bhi ho gaya! uth ke prof ko bolta hai ki question mein error hai! ask someone to check it! main frust ho gaya!!" he was partially amused and partly sad about it that he was thrown out in that German exam while god kept on scribbling. It was then it struck me that i missed my German exam!"

"so r u going to pass this year?"

"yea! The hod got changed before eternity. New reign and new rules. This new Hod has made exctensive arrangements to pass me." And the Donkey smirked.

A Few Quotes:
  • "We are Gods" --IITians
  • "I am IITian" -- God
  • "Six Point Somebody!" -- Devil
  • "What the Hell is that?" -- HOD on seeing the B Tech Project of Devil (The Hell), realising it is an exact photocopy of his thesis!
  • "What on Earth is that?" -- Dev on seeing the god's project of Petrol pump labeled as Planet Earth.
  • "I am still an IITian!" -- Me
  • "Abe tu bhi pass karega kabhi!" -- Dev, on me.

God took the GRE test and went for higher studies. He excelled in the art of copying and copied his Bachelor's project in masters, removing all the errors, and renaming it as "The Heaven". His project got The Best Project Award in the whole MIT campus. No emails from him.

Dev took CAT test and went into IIM Calcutta, Joka. He is famous there too. And he has excelled in bunking classes there. Writes to me sometimes.

Is baar jadavpur uni ke ek bande ki thesis mili hai, vahi chhapunga, main bhi pass karunga is saal!

Further References:
  1. Bible
  2. Five Point Someone
  3. Banister Fletcher

Monday, January 01, 2007

Happy New Year

I wish You a Happy and Prosperous New Year!


We Are Our Desires.

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