Tuesday, January 05, 2010


Achtung: Long Post
Dear Yash Dada ji, Hirani Uncle, and Karan Bhaiya,

First of all, Happy new year to you, your near and dear ones, and wish to the almighty that he gives you enough brains to craft originals.

It is almost always asked to me if i watched Munnabhai 3 [er- 3 idiots, i mean] and when i say no, people are shocked that a movie buff like me, who doesn't even leave C grade potboilers, missed 3 idiots. I almost passively explain them the reason, which i feel, i should discuss with you too.

To Yash Dada ji/ Karan Bhaiya:
It is always nice to see your style of film making. It is flamboyant, classy looks, and high on glam quotient, with expenses of the order of 8th power of 10 Rupees. It is fun to go into a wonderland, all right, but apart from your favourite character Raj/ Rahul [whose "naam to suna hi hoga", have heard it million times] i also find your stories to be similar. Frightfully, my IQ is not so high that i can make out the difference amongst the stories. I am also unable to understand your fixation with Punjabi Culture.

The silver lining of the cloud is that your stories and Raj/ Rahul are so generic that even if they were Software Engineers of Infosys, or peons of Bihar Government, or an irrigation engineer, they would not hamper the core concepts by even a hair. The story remains as irritating as it was.

For Hirani Uncle:
Pranam Uncle,
Hope you and Bhagat Sir are doing fine together. Your video of wishing Bhagat sir new year on you tube was heartwarming, to say the least. Both of you are saying the same thing- Watch the movie and read the book, ultimately boosting the sales of movie, though you have denied it vehemently every time, and the hard cover edition of 5 point someone. I being a 6 point somebody know IIT life better than to watch or read epics on this, the epics being far less diluted than the beauty and simplicity of that life.
However, I'm glad that you successfully served the "misfit- in- the- system- wins- with- humility- and- not- aggressiveness" formula 3 times now, and i would request you to progress further, leaving this issue [i'm sure you know there are many, if you watch English movies].

I, due to the above few reasons, have stopped going to the theatre, as i feel cheated everytime i watch the movies. Picture this- I'm being offered a gift wrapped box, for some amount. The money I'm paying is being counted and assured is not counterfeit. But i don't know what is inside the box. It is always projected as a cheese cake [as i find it too rich to eat, you may read any other cake you find rich] to me, and when i open it, mostly i find a stale bread tens of years old. Another example, In olden days, people used to often cheat by selling a cat in a bag by claiming it to be filled with a swine, and took away the money. When gullible people, on reaching home used to open the bag, they used to find a cat jumping out, rather than a piglet. It thus became an adage "The cat is out of the bag". I've been conned like this many a time, and since i don't want to be conned again, so i advocate piracy of music and movies.

Please get my message clear- I would spend my hard earned cash only if you make genuine movies, with genuine music. If I find it to be a repetition, or a rip off, I'd prefer to watch it on pirated movie. Since it is not your imagination, so you need not be paid for it.

Then what about the money you spend in producing it? Well dear sirs, I'm not responsible for your quirks. You may spend all your fortune on a second hand idea, and i'm not buying it.

I watched Kaminey twice in theatre, and went on to buy its original, because I liked the originality of the script.

Wish you a productive new year,

PS: Kindly let know of this issue to Santoshi Uncle [with a good- keeps- mum- till- interval- and- finally- wins- over- evil- with- a- bang idea too state to have fermented] and Madhur Uncle [who has always tried to make good documentaries all right, but he should release them on Doordarshan's national network]

Further Notes: Movie making for Dummies:
Kumar Santoshi Pattern of Radical Rebellion Thoughts:
The main protagonist lives happily, until he/ she sees things happening to a poor person. He/ she sees and is with truth. But not very strong. The dark side forces pressurize him to buckle, and they buckle. Half the movie, some event happens, some other protagonist and then the main protagonist stands tall. they rise from ashes, and beat the pulp out of the baddies, and climax- satya mev jayate.

Examples: Damini, ghayal, ghatak and Halla Bol.

Madhur Bhandarkar Pattern of Improving Work Ethics: The people in certain profession are shown to be sad and suffering. Entry our main protagonist. Some incidence happens to put him in picture, and then story moves. The hero/ heroine gets deeply involved into the ethical issues of the problem, at the work place, and is shown to be a misfit, finally receiving the thrashing by the system. He leaves, and finally returns [optional] back to the system, to be declared as a winner.

Examples: corporate, page 3, fashion, jail, etc

Raj Kumar Hirani Pattern of Cute Ethics: The central character is always a mint fresh cute guy with a heart of gold, with the system being strict, ruthless, and following stringent rules, rather than ethics. The hero changes the system by his jadoo ki jhappi/ gandhigiri/ whatever heart warming, sentimental, and non violent techniques. The ethics lacking guy is Boman Irani, that's a constant.

Examples: Munnabhai MBBS, Lage raho Munnabhai, Munna- i mean- 3 idiots.

Suraj Barjatya Pattern of Gharelu Love/ marriage: Put in animals, even digitized animals [reference: Hum Saath Saath Hain, the Parakeet] will do. Put in a big joint family. Add an antakshari. Add Alok Nath as a weeping baap. Include good dose of Prem, the hero. Add situations pushing hero and heroine together in a corner, so that romance develops. Take test of that love. Resolve test by external help of either the servants or the the beasts. Marriage.

Examples: Maine Pyar Kiya, Hum aapke hain koun, Vivah, ek Vivah aisa bhi, main prem ki diwani hoon.

Johar Chopra Pattern of Annoyance: Suck as much as you can, because the same source of blood and emotion, that is the human won't come back. Johar portrays Rahul as a feminine man, and Chopra portrays the situation with a romantic filter put in his camera. Both suck our blood. Examples: Find them yourself, please.


Bhawesh said...

Sahi hai bhai...

Voice said...

Believe it.. I read it till the end.

It was humorous but watch 3 idiots. It is a good watch :)

Nimesh said...

@ Bhawesh:
Am humbled.

@ Voice:
I will go and celebrate my new year, new job with the 3 idiots. Hope it'd be a good movie treat for my senses :)

Prasanna said...

i specially liked the mention of peons in bihar government..almost laughed out in the office

Akhauri Prasanna

Abhedye said...

Good one. :) BTW, Parakeet is NOT in Hum Saath Saath Hain,, but in Main Prem Ki Diwani Hun. I guess there wasn't any animal in HSSH (for a change, Or may be because there were too many characters to find way for a pet)

How did you miss Bhatt Camp, Priyadarshan and the Roshans? When it comes to typicality, these three deserve a mention :)

Nimesh said...

@ Prasanna:
Raj is the name of annoying love. Except for Darr, they always named it Raj.

@ Abhedye:
Thanks for the parakeet. I now remember having seen it in Main Prem Ki Diwani Hoon [but what difference does it make- it itself was copied from Chitchor, which was based on the same formula], which was worse than laxmikant berde and johny lever combined.

Bhatt people copy from english movies, but they don't have a signature [except for Parvin Babi's story which is a Mahesh Bhattian fetish]. Priyadarshan, Roshans and Ramsay Brothers form a trinity of horrible flicks which are made for the chimpanzees or bonobos.